Polar Nights
by Psalms18
Summary: I needed to hear his voice-to know everything was gonna be okay. The Cullens were gone. My parents had been murdered and Victoria was after me. So I went back to the place where it all began. Little did I know it would also be the place it would all end.
1. Prologue: Time Stands Still

**A/N: Hey all! So this is the first story I've posted! It's been roaming around in my head for awhile, so I figured it was time to let it out. I already have the first few chapters written and plan on uploading those all within the next few days. So check 'em out. Leave me a review and let me know what you think! If you like it then I'll continue with more chapters. Enjoy.**

**And Of course, Stephanie Meyer owns Edward, Bella, Jacob…Who am I kidding she owns it all! But here's to hoping she'll rent me the characters for a day or two. :)**

* * *

"_Think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure." –Jane Austen _

As I sat there burning alive I needed something, anything to take my mind off the heat. It had invaded every corner of my body and was now threatening to take over my mind, but I couldn't let it touch my mind. My mind, the one thing that made me, well, me—the thing I was almost positive made Edward love me, the thing I needed to most protect. And I would. I feared nothing would be strong enough for me to escape the burning that was rapidly taking me over, but that wasn't going to stop me from trying. As far as distractions go, I was pretty sure the past would be as good as any.

If remembering the past was supposed to give you pleasure, then I was obviously doing something wrong, because the past, my past, only brought pain. But that pain was a slight distraction from the current torture I was facing, and for that I was grateful. It was true, the pain wasn't fun, but it had significant intent. It cautioned. It shielded. It educated. And it was necessary for growth and development.I would have welcomed pain all those months ago. I would have given anything to feel pain, but I felt nothing. I was a shell of myself, so to finally experience the pain of it all—let's just say I was grateful for it.

Every happy memory I had of my time in Forks was scarred by the one that mattered most—the one that changed my life forever—the one that, in effect, ended it. This was the day Edward realized the truth, the day he left me. Of course, you already know that story. Boy smells girl and yearns for her blood. Girl falls unconditionally and irrevocably in love with boy. Boy realizes the truth about his feelings and leaves said girl heartbroken in the forest. What you don't know is what happened afterwards. But that is not where this story begins.

Our story begins with another type of pain—a pain so intense that nothing, not even Edward himself could have completely distracted me from it. But oh, how I longed for a distraction from this torture. Anything to divert my attention away from my current torment and the life I was inescapably being trapped in. I could wish for death, yes. But living in a world in which Edward and the Cullens did not exist was not an option for me. Even if I couldn't have them, at least knowing that they were alive was enough to slightly diminish my own emotional hell without them.

The burning was magnifying with each second that passed. It started in my finger tips and toes and was slowly gaining strength as it made its way towards my heart. I knew this pain. I had felt it once before, only that time it had been sucked out before it could spread far enough. But this time there was no one here to stop the spread of this pain, no one to protect me from the life for which I had once longed. I wondered what it would be like to be like him yet, not to have him. How could I live forever and never be able to touch him again, hold him, kiss him? What would he say when he found out? Would he hate me? Would he think I did this on purpose to trap him? I wasn't sure, but I was positive I didn't want to find out. I could protect him from himself by staying away. Forks was home, who said I ever had to leave?

By now the burning had completely taken control of my body, and it was no longer my own. I was a prisoner to the heat and could only imagine the scars it would burn into me. I wanted it to be over—all of it. I wanted my pain gone, forever, and soon it would be. But how it would end I never saw coming. So as I waited for the end, I soaked up my memories of Edward and surrounded myself with the pain of my past.


	2. In Over My Head

**A/N: As promised, Chapter Duex. Hope you like it. And as always, I do not own twilight. All rights and privileges are reserved for Stephanie Meyer. Lucky lady.**

* * *

The burning was slowly dying down and I could feel the fire retreating from my extremities and inching back towards my heart. I wasn't sure how long I'd been burning, but I could feel the end nearing and for that I was grateful. I wanted to open my eyes, but was afraid of what I'd see. So, I kept them tightly shut. Instead, I began to exercise my other senses and found they had been magnified tenfold. Everything was different—better. Even my brain had changed. It was…more organized, like it could hold a million thoughts all at once and every thought had its own little compartment in my head. I could store them away and pluck them out as I saw fit. I could see what Edward meant about distractions now. It was quite unnerving.

Suddenly, my attention was drawn to the noises flooding my ears. The whoosh of each individual fan blade above me as it attempted to cool my heated skin, the slow melodic chirp of a nearby cricket; the sizzling of what I assumed was a frying pan. _I must be in a house somewhere_, I assumed. I picked the sounds out one by one until I honed in on a couple of low muffled voices. I wasn't alone, and whoever was here with me was arguing. I focused on them, hoping for one voice I might recognize.

"…she can't…"

"…one of them…."

"…must die..."

"You won't..." another voice bellowed.

I would have recognized that deep, raspy voice anywhere. It was the voice of my sun—my Jake. But what was Jake doing here? I thought he was mad at me. He _had_ been incessantly avoiding me. I tried to remember exactly what happened before the attack, but my memories were all very fuzzy. I thought I remembered seeing Jake in the clearing, but then again, I also thought I saw him turn into a giant russet wolf. Maybe I had finally cracked.

Friend or not—Jake was here and I was turning into a vampire. I began to question myself, _"Does he know what I'm becoming? Does he know the grave danger he is in?"_

"_He can't be here,"_ I decided. I couldn't let Jake be near me when I woke, not when I didn't know if I'd be able to control myself. I knew I needed to tell him to leave, to tell them all to leave, for their own good. I didn't want to hurt them, and I wasn't sure I'd be able to resist the temptation of their blood.

Sometime between familiarizing myself with my new senses and the intensifying turmoil that boiled within me, my heart took its final beat and with it my humanity. All the heat that had seared through my veins was gone. The physical pain that threatened to bury me was gone. Bella Swan and the life she had known was gone. My transformation was finally complete.

I laid there motionless for an immeasurable amount of time before I realized that I was no longer breathing. I racked my brain, trying to remember the last breath I had inhaled, but came up blank. I couldn't remember. With this realization, I began to choke. Not that I needed the air, but choking felt like a natural response to this change. I knew it was time. I clamped my hands around the edges of the bed I was lying on and prayed I would have the control I needed to restrain myself. I slowly began to relax the muscles of my jaw and took one quick breath, so as to not assault my senses with more than I could handle. That's when I heard what sounded like a heard of elephants stampeding towards me. I figured Jake and the men he was arguing with must have heard me. Great. As if taking my first breath as a vampire wasn't stressful enough, I now had the added pressure of having humans in the vicinity. I was already mid-breath when they entered the room. Then it hit me, the most horrendous smell to ever invade my nostrils. It smelled like wet dog and was increasingly worse than anything I had ever smelled as a human. I knew if I was human I would have been gagging from the God—awful stench. I had no idea where it was coming from, but I knew the only way to find out would be to open my eyes.

"I think she's awake. I don't hear a heartbeat and she reeks of sugary sweetness," I heard one voice say, followed by a roar of laughter.

"I don't think it's a good idea for all of us to be here when she opens her eyes, she may be volatile and we don't want to scare her," responded a commanding voice.

"Come on, Sam. We're bored and you have a perfectly good vampire for us to play with right here. We promise not to burn her."

Sam? The same Sam who had been keeping Jake from seeing me? This thought alone made my blood boil, and that was a feat, all things considered. I wondered if the others were from the reservation too…Part of the "gang" Jake had been running with? And did someone just growl?

I was ripped out of my thoughts by that same commanding voice. "Enough. Are you forgetting this isn't just any vampire? This is Bella Swan. And you idiots may not be able to control yourselves, so everyone except Jake out! Now!" Sam spoke with such authority that it seemed as if the others had no choice, but to obey. _I'd have to ask Jake about that later_, I told myself.

I knew I couldn't wait any longer; I wanted answers and I wanted them now, and the only way I was going to get them was to open my eyes.

_So hello, world. Welcome Bella Swan, vampire extraordinaire. Well, a girl could hope right?_

Talk about improvement. Everything was so clear, so sharp. It was like watching HD all the time, only better, clearer. Before I took stock of the men that stood before me, I confirmed the suspicions of my where-abouts. I was in a cabin near the woods—La Push, maybe. As I noticed slight movement within the room, I Instantaneously turned my eyes toward Jake and I could see the hair on his arms stand erect as he looked me over. In what felt like minutes, I was snapped out of my thoughts by Jake, who was bee-lining for me so fast I thought he was going to knock me over. Just as I sat up on the side of the bed, Jake reached me. He then proceeded to grab me by the shoulders, look me once over, and pick me up into a hug.

"Oh, Bells, you're ok. I'm so glad you're ok," he thankfully said after putting me down, so we were both standing.

"Well, as ok as this is," he amended.

"I'm so sorry we didn't get there in time, before that dread headed leech bit you. It's all my fault, Bells. I'm so sorry." His response to me made me wonder if he knew I was a vampire. At some point, I would have to tell him the danger I was to him because of my change. Feeding my anxiety, I pushed the inevitable back for a moment to inspect him for injuries—he had said he was there when Laurent bit me and there was no way he could have gotten away unscathed. In fact, I wondered how he had gotten away at all. I had never realized just how big Jake was, but at that moment his size and stature was not lost on me.

"First of all, Jake, this isn't your fault and even if you had gotten to me in time there would have been nothing you could have done. He was a vampire. He would have killed you."

That elicited chuckles from Jake and Sam. I took a closer look at Sam and he seemed…out of place, like he didn't want to be here, but that he had to be for Jake's sake. But what could have posed such a danger that he felt the need to protect Jake? Then it hit me. _Oh right!_ The danger was _me_. I was now one of the undead, but how did they know that? I looked to Sam for answers, just because he obviously knew what I was, didn't, necessarily, mean Jake did, as well.

"How do you know…what I am," I questioned Sam. He, once again, chuckled softly. Only this laugh wasn't pointed, so much, at me as it was at himself. There was something he wasn't telling me—something I was missing.

"I'm actually surprised you haven't figured it out yet, Bella Swan."

"Figured what out," I inquired. Sam slightly nodded his head in Jakes direction as Jake neared me, once again.

"Bells, there is something I need to tell you."

"'Kay…" I thought momentarily before continuing. "While you're at it, you could, also, tell why you've you been acting like a complete ass the past couple weeks." I offered. Jake heavily sighed before answering my request.

"Bella, I know what you are, what that leach turned you into and I'm sorry I didn't prevent this. It's all my fault. If I had just told you the truth about me in the beginning, none of this would have happened. Not telling you hurt me just as much as it hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you, but I had to. I physically couldn't tell you the truth about what had happened to me. It was too dangerous for you to be near me." Somehow Jake knew what I was and still I didn't know how. Just as I was about to ask him, I thought better of it. I had a feeling that he would, eventually, get to that. Plus, I had more pressing questions for him at the moment.

"What do you mean you had to? And dangerous? Dangerous how?" I asked as Jake crossed the room with his back to me.

Turning around he asked, "Bella, do you remember those stories I told you that day we walked along the beach at La Push?"

"Yeah, I think so…about the cold ones?" I thought I saw his face fall slightly at my answer.

"Yeah, well, I can see why that would be all you'd remember, but there was more. Think back to what I told you about the Quileute's and our ancestors. Do you remember?"

I racked my brain searching every compartment for the memory of that day. It was true; I remembered the story about the cold ones. I remembered everything about The Cullens in great detail, but every other memory, even those of Charlie and Renee, were fuzzy. It was like watching my life on an old rabbit ears TV—nothing was coming through clearly.

"Jake, I can't I'm sorry. My memories are all fuzzy." I didn't miss the dejection that swam through him, thanks to my lack of memory, but he responded anyway.

"Bells, Quileute's are thought to be descendants from werewolves." I snickered at the thought of a pack of horny teenager werewolves roaming around Forks. I tried to clear my face of all emotion, just as Jake caught my amusement. Talking with Jake was easy, almost too easy. I was surprised at just how little the difference was between vampire Bella and human Bella. _Shouldn't this be harder? Shouldn't I be in pain? Didn't someone say I should be uncontrollable?_ The lack of difficulty that I faced boggled me, but I chocked it up to being in the presence of werewolves. _Maybe it would all hit me when I was alone,_ I told myself. Ignoring my inner mystification Jake replied to my earlier laugh.

"No, it's okay. At first I thought it was a load of crap, too. You know, old superstitions told by the elders to scare us youngsters." Jake then straightened up and a serious look plastered his face. He spoke his next words with such conviction, as if he was willing me to believe him.

"But, Bells, I was wrong. The legends are true. I'm, well we, the pack, are living proof. I'm a werewolf. We're all werewolves and we're genetically designed for one purpose…to kill vampires."

We sat in silence as I processed what Jake was really telling me. He was designed to kill….me—and others like me. The silence became too much, but what was I to say?

"Bells, say something, please….anything," he pleaded.

"Werewolf, huh?"

"Werewolf."

I gave him a nervous laugh as I attempted to delay the inevitable by getting some answers out of him first. The least he could do was answer my questions before he killed me.

"Geez, Jake, you stink. Literally! My nose burns from being so close to you."

"Ouch. Way to bruise my ego Bella, but you don't smell like daisies yourself."

"What? You've never minded the way I smell before!" I affirmed while sneaking a quick sniff of myself. I didn't know what Jake was talking about; I smelled like strawberries, just as I always had.

"Yeah, well, you've never smelled like a vampire before, either. Mortal enemies, remember?"

"Oh. Right. Gotcha. Makes sense now." I liked this side of Jake. This was the Jake I missed—the pre-werewolf Jake.

"So, are vampires the only thing you hunt?" I asked.

"Yeah."

"But, how? I mean, they're fast and strong." A look of confusion crossed Jake's face as I realized I said _they_ and not _we_. I corrected myself.

"I guess it is we now, since I'm one of them…but you still have to answer my question."

"Ah, yes, but we're faster and stronger than vampires. We didn't have any problem taking out the dread—headed leech and his freaky, red—headed girlfriend."

"You killed Laurent…and Victoria?" A sigh of relief washed over me. The threat to my life was finally gone. Victoria was dead, but then soon I would be, as well.

"Yeah, piece of cake. Hope they weren't friends of yours."

"No, Jake. Seeing how they tried to kill me and succeeded in banishing me to a life of bloodlust. No, they definitely weren't. "

"Oh, yeah. Right." I couldn't take the pretenses anymore. I needed this over with. I couldn't handle hiding my trepidation of my impending death any longer. I wanted it over. It was only then that I realized we had slowly inched apart, so I brought myself back to him. I wanted him to see the honesty of the emotions in my eyes. I reached for his hands, as I let out my anxiety.

"Jake, I can't do this. I just can't take the suspense anymore. If you're going to kill me, can we please get it over with now? I won't fight you, I promise. I have nothing left. I've been damned to this eternal life of darkness and I'll be alone forever. I'm ready."

He dropped my hands as I looked into his eyes. What I saw was baffling. The look of horror that washed across his face was unabashed. He knew why he was here. I knew why he was here. So why did my statement frighten him so?

"Oh my God, Bella, no. Is that what you think? That I'm here to kill you?"

"Well aren't you? I am a vampire and you said you hunt vampires."

"Well yes, I hunt vampires. But I'm not hunting you!" He barked. I could see the horror written through his face and I knew he wasn't lying to me—not now and not about this. Before I could think anymore about his candor, he continued.

"I'm here because you're my friend and I want to see that you're safe, even if you are a bloodsucker." He assured. His voice was filled with longing and hope that I would believe him. For a moment I thought he was convinced I was going to turn away and run from him. But I couldn't. Even if his actions had not convinced me, his words would have. It's true; his previous statement was conflicting within itself. The distaste with which he spit the word bloodsucker at me was obvious, but then again, so was the honesty and truth of his need to keep me safe. Therefore, I did believe him, and thus, I was slightly relieved to know I wasn't going to die yet—and not by Jakes hand. I knew how much that would kill him.

"And don't worry, we can't touch your precious Cullens unless they break the treaty first," Jake muttered, clearly irritated by this so-called treaty.

"Treaty," I questioned.

"Yes, treaty. I guess you don't remember the story." I watched as his face fell with sadness. The sorrow looked all wrong written across his face, so I closed the distance between us.

"Aw, Jake, I'm sorry. It's all this vampire stuff. It's kind of mucked up my memories."

"It's okay. I get it. Anyway, Legend says we found the Cullens hunting on our lands and they claimed to be different, so we made a treaty with them. If they promised to stay off Quileute lands and never bite a human, we wouldn't expose what they really were to the pale-faces."

_Simple enough_, I thought. But suddenly hurt appeared across Jake's face and I knew instantly something was amiss.

"Jake, what is it? What's wrong?"

"Bells, you know I love you, right? Leech or no leech, I'll always love you." He flashed that warm smile I loved. I nodded and he continued.

"Our treaty extends past the Cullen's. It goes for _all_ vampires, which I'm afraid now includes you. So, as much as this pains me, I have a favor I need to ask of you." The ache in his eyes extended throughout out his entire figure and it hurt me to see him like that.

"Okay, Jake, anything. What is it?"

"Bells, please hear me out before you jump to conclusions or make any rash judgments or decisions? 'Kay?" He was pleading for me to keep my composure, but exactly what would threaten it, I wasn't sure. At that moment, I was more concerned about what he wasn't saying, rather than what he was.

"Jake, you're scaring me."

"Promise me that you'll stay calm," he pleaded.

"Yes…fine, I promise. Now what's going on," I hastily questioned him.

"Bells, we've finally rid ourselves of the vampires who have been threatening to destroy our lands for so long, and the Cullen's have left for good. You're the only one left—the only one keeping us from staying human. What I mean is we only phase when vampires are around. And once we start phasing we can't stop until we're old enough to control the urges and emotions. So yeah, Sam, Paul, Embry, the others—we all have to live with the cards we've been dealt, but we can still protect the young ones from this life. Or more so, you can protect them. They don't deserve this life, Bells. They deserve some semblance of normalcy, something better. But I'm afraid only you can give that to them, and only if you leave Forks."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. It was like Edward was leaving me in the forest all over again. Granted this loss wouldn't hurt as bad as losing Edward had, but it was still going to be painful. The pain welling up inside of me was threatening to break through. The hole that had so carefully been patched up was pushing to rip open at the seams, so much so that I had to steady myself on the bed post. The ironic part of the whole thing was that the person who was ripping me open now was the same person who had sewed me together when Edward left, all those months ago. At this realization, I bent slightly at the waist and wrapped my free arm around my mid-section in an effort to keep myself from falling completely apart. When this didn't work to stop the onslaught of pain, I slowly slid down the edge of the bed and pulled my knees to my chest. Instinctively, I wrapped my arms around my knees to hold my whole self together.

I wasn't entirely surprised by the intensity of this pain. The Cullens had always told me how being a vampire would intensify everything tenfold, including emotions. So even if I wasn't expecting this pain, I was almost prepared for it. I never anticipated pain like this resulting from Jake, but I also never anticipated him banishing me from my home. I took a deep breath and tried to clarify what I had previously heard.

"You….you want me to leave? Jake, you're the only family I have left, and you want me to go away?"

Jake rushed over to where I was falling into pieces on the floor and sat in front of me on his knees. He cupped my face and tried to ease the ache he had just caused.

"Bells, I see what this is doing to you and it's not like that. I'm not abandoning you—we're not abandoning you. Billy and I, you'll always have us. We will always be here for you. You, well you, just can't be here anymore." When he realized what he was saying his hand fell from my face and his head bowed ashamedly.

I took a moment to think about what Jake was saying. He loved me. It was showcased clearly through his current state. Of course, he loved me. I loved him, too, but not in the same way. He was my best friend, my stitches, my sun. I gave my heart away a long time ago and never really got it back. It belonged to Edward, but that didn't stop Jake from loving me with everything he had. No, Jake didn't' completely heal me, but he sewed me up so that when we were together I couldn't feel the pain, as strongly. It wasn't as if there had never been a hole there in the first place, but more that it was full of something that left no room for sadness. I owed Jake a lifetime for that. So, for him I would do it—for him, I would leave. I owed this to him. I rested my chin on my knees and bore into Jake's eyes with my own. I didn't unwrap myself, just yet. I said I would do this; I never said it wouldn't hurt, and if I was going to spend an eternity alone, I needed to preserve as much of myself, as possible.

"Jake, look at me. Please." Once I was sure he could see the depth of my words I continued, "I understand what you're asking and how hard this is for you. You gave me everything. You healed me when I was broken. You protected me when I was vulnerable. You loved me when I couldn't love you back. So for you, I will leave."

"So, is this goodbye?" he glumly questioned.

"Yeah, I think so," I solemnly replied.

To prevent ripping anymore holes in my chest, I got up and turned to walk out the door. I stopped just as I reached the door frame because something didn't feel right. I could feel the weight of Jacobs's eyes bearing into my back. I knew he was feebly trying to hide how much this was actually hurting him, how much he truly loved me. I understood what my leaving would do to him and I had to protect him from himself. As I stole one last glance, I saw one sparkling tear glisten from the corner of his eyes and the longing that was trapped on his face. He temporarily let his mask fall. With vampire speed, I ran up to him. I must have frightened him because he momentarily flinched away from me as my finger caught the tear that escaped his eye. I gave him a few seconds to regain his composure, during which, I froze, as motionless as stone. I stood there, watching him and the emotions that flickered throughout his face—confusion, anger, sadness, shame. When I knew it was safe again, because he had regained control of himself, I brushed his cheeks with my thumbs and held his face in my hands, while I spoke softly.

"Jake. Maybe this isn't the forever we had planned for ourselves, but it is what fate has dealt us and we will survive. You will find a girl who can love you just as much as you love her. Someone who deserves you and all you have to offer." I placed my hand over his beating heart.

"Protect this. Save it for her. You deserve it. You deserve her—whoever she is. I'm sorry I could never love you the way you needed me to, but know I do love you. I always will. You'll always be my sun. And I will miss you. Bye Jake." And with that I kissed him on his forehead with every ounce of love, passion, and longing I had left in my body for him and ran into the forest night.

I couldn't think about what I had just done or inevitably I would break down. I forced the memory back into a closed compartment of my brain and instead searched for something to quench the undeniable burn in my throat.

I stood there in the forest analyzing all the different scents that invaded my nostrils. I soon came to realize the larger the game was the more appetizing the meal. Not able to control my thirst any longer, I prepared for attack. I crouched into what I assumed was a hunting stance when I realized I had no idea what I was doing.

_How does one hunt_, I questioned myself. I'd never even so much as shot a rabbit as a human and there I was trying to kill a cougar. I was not a hunter by nature, but now I would need to be. I thought back to Edward. The only hunting I'd seen him do was when he was hunting James last year. So, I took that memory and used it as my model—my compass. Once again, I sank into a crouch and slowly began to sneak up on the cougar from behind. When I was satisfied that I had the surprise of attack, I pounced. Swiftly, I landed on the cougar. I used my arms and legs to perch myself on the cougars' back as it struggled beneath me. I held on while the cougar fought to throw me to the ground, but it was no match for my newfound strength. I found the animal to be of little competition for me. With one huge gasp, I bent my head into the crook of the cougar's neck and bit down, easily puncturing the skin and finding my way to the source of my thirst. The blood began rapidly flowing through the puncture wounds and I relished the feeling as the warm blood gushed down my throat and into my digestive system. Once the animal was sucked dry, I hid the remains of my meal. I found the fight to be intoxicating. The adrenaline of the hunt, the rage of the battle, and success of victory wove themselves into a new rush I had never felt before then. I couldn't imagine there was anything more intoxicating than this, more thrilling. Subsequently, I left in search of my next prey, praying no human would dare come near my path. I was sure I wasn't ready for that.

Two cougars and three deer later, my appetite was officially satisfied and I found myself on a forest cliff overlooking the river. It was then that the memories I had locked away ripped through the gates and flooded my mind. The realization had finally hit me: I was completely and utterly alone, forever. This threatened to rip apart everything I was holding together. With that thought alone, I threw myself back into an old cedar tree that hastily split in two. I slid down what was left of the tree and pulled my knees to my chest for the second time that day. I tightly wrapped my arms around my chest and laid my head on my knees. My wounds ripped open and I let the silent sobs tear through me. I sat there for hours waiting to see tears that would never come—tears for the life I'd lost, tears for the lives that were lost because of me: Charlie, Renée, and Phil, tears for an eternity of solitude and loneliness. When the sobs had all swept through me and my body began to quiet down, I searched for my next move. Where would I go? What would I do? More importantly, could I do it alone? Did I want to search for the Cullens? I knew that as hurt as I was by Edward, I could never hate him. I always knew I wasn't enough to hold him, but it was still a shock when he finally admitted that fact to himself. I would never forget those words.

_"Bella, you're not good for me…"_

_"I don't want you to come with me."_

_"You don't want me?"_

_"No!"_

Edward didn't love me and that, alone, was enough to keep me away. I wasn't about to let him pretend to love me out of pity. But what about the rest of his family? Could I handle seeing them again? No. I didn't think so. They became my family: my brothers, my sisters, my friends. It wasn't just Edward that had left me. They had left me, too. They turned their backs and abandoned me, without as much as a goodbye. I knew they would blindly follow Edward to the ends of the Earth, but I had hoped they would at least show some resistance. I wanted them to fight for me. I lost a lot more than the love of my existence that day. I lost my entire family. How much could I really have meant to them?

"Had everything been a lie?" I wondered.

"Was I really just their little human pet?" This thought hurt more than I could have imagined, like a million tiny needles pricking my soul. As hurt as I was by Edward, I was just as hurt by the actions of his family. I wasn't ready to see any of them and, in all honesty, I didn't think I would ever truly be ready to see them again—to face what I lost—what I'd never have again.

But I would be ok without it, without them. I had to be. I unwillingly admitted that the first step to "ok" was finding me again—the me I was before the Cullens. As much as I hated it, I knew there was only one place I could do that—I would be forced to return to the place I lost myself to begin with. It was the only place where I could genuinely let Edward go, where I could begin to heal my soul. Seeing that I had finally admitted to myself that I was, indeed, going back, the apprehension began to stir deep within me, but my conviction strengthened, as I prepared for what was to be one of the most painful and eye-opening experiences of my life.


	3. Guide You Home

**A/N: Aren't you lucky ducks tonight? That's right you get Chapter 3 as well. So, here it is. Enjoy. I want to thank those of you who have already favorited this story. It's only been up a short time and the response has been overwhelming. You guys rock. So it looks like I shall continue on. I have one more chapter to post tomorrow, then I'm sorry, but you lovelies will have to patient with me as I write more!**

**And as always the genius that is the twilight saga all goes to Stephanie Meyer.**

* * *

This was going to be a long and difficult journey; I knew that. I also knew it was a journey I'd never fully complete. In all honesty, I didn't think I could ever get over Edward; maybe, I didn't want to, but I had to try. If I was going to survive this mundane existence, I couldn't spend every day pining over someone who didn't love me. I had to remember who I was before Edward and before the Cullens. I had to find that girl again and pray like hell she was strong enough to survive on her own. And that meant saying goodbye.

I lost myself in Edward, in our love, and I was okay with that. He changed me, but so much of that change was dependant on him. I just didn't realize it at the time. Not until he left did I really see the magnitude of the impact he had on me. After he left, I became entirely absorbed by the emptiness he created in me. I didn't want to get over him; I wanted him to come back. So, I let the heartache eat me from the inside out. It hurt to think about the Cullens. It hurt to say their names. It even hurt to see them in my dreams and in my delusions—because no matter what I did or what I said, they always left. The fact remained I would always wake up from my dreams of them to a nightmare without them—a nightmare in which I wasn't good enough for them, for him. Then, came Jake. He was my distraction from the heartache; he was my sun. I was so blinded by him, that when we were together I didn't hurt so much. But Jake was gone, and it was time to face reality. Edward didn't love me, and the Cullens were never coming back.

Even though I would never love another as I loved Edward, I needed to find a way to heal, to, dare I say, be ok living without him. So, it was time to go back to the place where I had lost myself—to say goodbye to him and to all of them.

Saying goodbye to the family I knew and loved so much was going to be rough. Letting them go would rip me to pieces, but it had to be done. I had to go back to _that_ house and let the memories of our time together assault my mind so the healing could begin. I would gladly take that pain if it meant I could keep some small piece of him. My memories were all I had left, and that is what I would hold on to. The selfish part of me hoped he remembered me too, that he was in as much pain as I was. The other part—the more civil part—well, it hoped Edward had found someone who made him happy because he deserved it, even if I couldn't give it to him. For as much pain as he caused me, I still couldn't help but hope for his happiness. I just prayed I would never have to witness said happiness. Seeing him love another, that would be more than I could ever handle.

Night encroached as I stood to begin my journey. The moon lit the night sky like a north star guiding me home, but how wrong that moon was. I wasn't headed to my home; I was headed to theirs. This was not about me finding family or happiness; this was about me finding a way to survive—without family and without happiness.

I easily made my way through the thick trees and brush of the forest, finding the speed at which I ran exhilarating. The rush of wind through my hair and the calm of the forest as I masterfully dogged trees relaxed my body and mind. It was as if suddenly everything was right in the world, as if the past six months had never happened. Unfortunately, my peace of mind would only last so long. The downside to my enhanced grace and speed was that I made it to the Cullen's property in record time. I hastily slowed down as I approached the forest edge. I was almost there. My pace fell into a slow jog as I reached the invisible boundary line separating the Cullen property from the forest. I began to prepare myself for the onslaught of pain that would threaten to crush me when I arrived at their house. As I neared it, I briefly stopped and mentally berated myself for what I was about to do. Was it all worth the pain? Yes, it was; but more importantly, he was. And I would do this for him and for me. I would let him go, but I would never forget.

The closer I came to the house, the more my resolve to keep moving strengthened. It felt like something was willing me to move forward, calling me inside the house. It is said a covered wound heals more efficiently because it decreases the chance of scarring, but if scarring was what it took to survive, then scar I would. So, when I finally reached the driveway, I ripped off the Band Aid protecting my wound, and I let the memories assault me: the late night walks under star-filled skies, the extreme wrestling matches I was not allowed to partake in, and the practical jokes that, inevitably, always backfired.

To an outsider the family seemed almost normal; I remembered, Esme planting flowers in her garden, Carlisle reading medical journals in his office, Rosalie in the garage enhancing her car, Emmett playing his video games, Jasper in his study correcting his history books, Alice reorganizing her closest and Edward composing at his piano. Over the years they had perfected their human façade to a "Tee", but more than that, they actually enjoyed it. The irony of the situation brought a small smile to my face. I continued towards the house and gradually walked up the porch steps, running my hands up the railing while recalling all the times I had steadied myself there for support, whether from my human clumsiness or from Edward's constant dazzling. I had hated it when he did that. I never could think straight when he dazzled me. Stupid, beautiful vampire. I could almost see Emmett sitting on the ledge, snickering at my clumsiness, all the while making bets with Jasper, which, no doubt, centered on me.

"Bella, you're so unpredictable. I'm glad Edward didn't kill you. I love having you around. You make life interesting," Emmett always said. Oh how, I missed my big teddy bear of a brother.

"So far, so good," I thought to myself. The pain was definitely there, but it was tolerable. However, I knew it was going to become exponentially worse inside where their scents were all so much stronger. As I reached the door, I placed my hand on the knob, took a few seconds to calm myself, and prepared for the inevitable.

I had to talk myself through it. "Bella, you can do this. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for Edward. You can let him go. You can give him the same happiness he once gave you, even if it kills you. It's what he deserves. You know he wears the weight of the world on his shoulders, and this will set him free."

That thought alone was enough to push me forward. So, I gradually turned the brass knob and pushed the door open. "Hm. That was easy," I murmured in surprise.

I half expected opening the door to require a little vampire strength. "I guess when you're not here and you're vampires, you don't need to worry about intruders," I silently speculated. What I saw inside shocked me. The house looked exactly the same as it always had, only now everything was covered in protective tarps. I should have realized they would leave everything there. Edward did tell me they had houses all over the country. It just never dawned on me they were all individually furnished. I proceeded to step inside the house and shut the door behind me. No one needed to know I had been there.

Once inside, I was bombarded by intense feelings of pain, guilt and shame, so much so that I had to steady myself on the wall as I doubled over. I hadn't expected my feelings to be so strong that early into my journey. I thought I would at least have some time to prepare myself for the onslaught. Even so, I welcomed the pain. It reminded me the Cullens were real and that I was on the path to healing. It felt like the anguish was eating me alive, so I used blissful memories of video game competitions, movie sessions, and family time to, hopefully, weaken it, even if only by a tiny bit, but to no avail. The memories were like diesel to the fire that was my heart. The internal struggle between my head and heart became amplified by the now overwhelming emotions.

"This is stupid. How could you ever imagine you would survive this? Saying goodbye, trying to live without him: I'm pretty sure that will be the end of you. Not to mention you love him," my heart argued.

"You will survive this. Yes, it's going to hurt, but you will overcome. I'm not telling you to forget him, just let him go. You can't hide from the pain anymore. You have to face it; it's over. He's gone, and he's not coming back," my head countered. I knew my head was right. My heart belonged to Edward; of course it would be on his side, looking out for him, but my head was on my side, looking out for me. My heart had already done enough damage to me. Therefore, I listened to my head and welcomed the pain.

As I staggered into the living room, the ache became so intense it knocked me off my feet, and I fell to my knees. I put my head in my hands and let the memories accost me. Silent sobs shook through me. I was so consumed by my emotions, I had yet to take notice of my surroundings. I was in front of one of Edwards's favorite places and one of my favorite places to see him: his piano. I focused on the scents that lingered as a fleeting distraction from the agony. I was right—they were, in fact, so much stronger there than they had been outside. It was intoxicating. I wanted to bottle it up and keep it, if only as a reminder of the life I once had. I slowly began to differentiate between the seven scents mixed in the air. I noticed one scent was infinitely stronger than all the rest. The essence seemed to have an old rustic smell to it, but I couldn't pick out exactly who the scent belonged to. I wondered if maybe someone had been back to visit recently. The notion that someone had, in fact, returned and disappeared again without my knowledge, ripped my insides out and poured pain throughout my entire body. Silent sobs once again wracked my body as I trembled from the onslaught threatening to bury me under. Unexpectedly, I was overcome by an overwhelming sense of peace. As grateful as I was for the short-lived escape, it was odd.

Where did that come from," I silently asked myself. I was snatched out of my internal conversation by a voice I had never expected to hear again.

"Bella?"

Immediately my head snapped up as I frantically began to put two and two together. The scent. The unlocked front door. The emotions. But it couldn't be. Why would he be here? Afraid to turn and face a mirage, or worse—the real thing, I gradually twisted my neck to confront the voice. We stared at each other for a few moments to confirm our own suspicions. When I was sure I wasn't hallucinating, I stood to face him and spoke.

"Jasper."

"Be--Bella, is that really you?"

"Yes. It's me. I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't be here. I'll leave." I quickly turned to make my way back towards the door—not quickly enough though, because Jasper was already standing in front of it.

"No. Please don't leave. This is your house too. Of course you're welcome here. I'm just surprised to see you…not human." His words stung. I was prepared to push past him to get away if I had to. I closed my eyes and waited for the ambush of pain, but it never came. Instead I was overwhelmed by a sense of peace. And I was happy?

"Where did that come from?" I opened my eyes and saw Jasper wince from the pain he was absorbing—my pain.

"Thank you, but you didn't need to do that. This pain is mine to bear and mine alone," I asserted.

With a gentlemanly nod of his head, he responded, "This is who I am. It's my gift and my curse. I can't bear to see my family in pain, and I want to help if you'll let me. You're in so much pain. The only time I've felt something that intense was when Ed..."

Who was he kidding? Family? I felt like I had been stabbed right in my wound and every word he said twisted the knife a little more. He needed to stop, and I was going to make him. So, I cut him off.

"Jasper, don't. Please don't pretend like the last six months didn't happen. That you all didn't just up and leave me without as much as a goodbye because your brother decided he was tired of me. I thought we were family, but I was wrong. Family doesn't do that to each other. We both know the truth of the matter, so don't go pretending like everything is all hunky dory just because I'm like you now."

I watched as his face fell a little more with every word I spit at him. Part of me was remorseful for being so cruel to him. He didn't deserve this. He had done nothing wrong. We were never all that close to begin with, and I wasn't sure he had ever really liked me anyway. I was pretty sure he only tolerated me for Alice's sake.

"I know how you must be feeling now, not because I've been there but because any idiot can see it on your face, and with my added "gift" I can't get past it. But you were family; you still are. I know how you must hate me for what I did, what I caused, and I can't find the right words to convey how deeply sorry I am." I could tell from the stance he took that his words were true. The humiliation and sorrow were plainly carved throughout his features as he begged me to understand with apologetic eyes.

"And just for the record, I've always liked you." And I had always thought Edward was the one who read minds. Jasper must have sensed my confusion.

"I can feel the rejection rolling off you right now, and I need you to understand something. You were family and I did love you. I was just afraid to be near you, you know, with you smelling tasty and what not. I wanted to spend time with you, sister, but I couldn't risk your life, even if Edward had let me be near you. And just for the record, I wouldn't trade the time we spent together in Phoenix for anything, even if we were running from a sadistic vampire."

I relaxed at Jasper's words. Edward had always been a little too protective of me, never letting Jasper close enough to smell me, much less talk to me. His words touched me, and I didn't miss that he had called me sister. For some reason unbeknownst to me, it made my heart soar just a little. Maybe, just maybe, there was a slight chance that even if I couldn't have Edward, I could have Jasper…at least for a little while, until he went back to Alice. Oh, Alice. Thinking of her was like throwing salt on an open wound. I was so upset with her, but that did nothing to diminish my love for her or how much I missed my best friend.

"Thank you. I had no idea you felt that way. I thought you hated me, but it all makes more sense now." I laughed a little. "Ed…He always was a little overprotective of me. And you have nothing to feel sorry about. What happened on my birthday was an accident. I know that. It was my fault, anyway. It was just my luck to spill blood in a house full of vampires. I was never mad at you, you know. I told Alice to tell you. I don't want you feeling guilty for anything."

That's when it hit me. All the emotions that had debilitated me when I entered the house weren't mine. My emotions had been coupled with Jasper's and I knew why he was feeling that way. But why he was there alone without the Cullens, I had yet to find out. I knew we both had questions, and it was time for some answers.

"Thank you. You have no idea what your forgiveness means to me. Now, I believe you have some questions for me, as I for you. This may take a while, so would you like to sit?" I chuckled at his gentlemanly kindness. It's not like either of us would ever get tired of standing, but this is how Jasper was raised—in the 1800s.

"Sure, why not. Now is as good a time as any to start practicing to be human."

He snickered at my comment as he extended his hand to me and I placed mine atop his. "Why, yes. Yes, it is."

Jasper led me to a now—uncovered living room set. He sat down on the couch, while I chose to sit in the chair across from him. I knew I was about to relive the past six months and my pain for him. I also knew it would hurt him as much as it would hurt me. Subsequently, I needed to do my best to shield my pain from him, and for that distance was my ally.

I answered his confusion. "This is going to be painful…for both of us. And I want to do my best to shield you from that." He winced at my words, and I didn't understand why.

"It's Alice. I miss her tremendously, and you momentarily reminded me of her. It has been so long since someone called me Jazz." He sighed.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I'll try to be more careful."

"No, really, it's ok. It just caught me off guard. I actually like "Jazz"." He forced a smile for me, but somehow I knew he was serious.

"Speaking of Alice, do you mind telling me what you're doing in Forks without your wife?"

"I know how much you love her still after everything and how much pain you're in right now. I don't think you're ready for that just yet. I will tell you, I promise—just not yet. I want to help ease your pain rather than cause you more."

"I understand. Then let me start by telling you why I'm here."

Jasper absorbed every word I was saying. He instinctively leaned toward me—it was his way of asking me to continue.

"My change was completed just yesterday, when I made the decision to leave forks," I noticed as silent questions bubbled to his lips, so I appended my statement.

"But I'll get back to that later." With an understanding nod from Jasper, I continued. "It was then that I also made my decision to come here one last time." I took a short moment to get my emotions under control, and look around at the house I had once called home.

"I came here to heal, Jazz. The past six months have been nothing short of hell for me, but let me start from the beginning." I proceeded to tell him about the emptiness and zombie-like state, then about Jake and the wolf pack, and ultimately about running into Laurent and Victoria in the meadow. Not once did Jasper turn away from me or shield his expression. At one point in my story, I could tell he wasn't even breathing. Every now and then he would reach a comforting hand out to me, only to pull it back. I wondered to myself what that was about. He watched me the entire time I spoke, as if expecting something to come that never did, but I continued anyway.

"It was then that I awoke to Jake and Sam, the alpha of the pack. From what I can tell now, it was sometime during my change that Jake convinced Sam to spare my life. The only way to do that was for me to leave. Jake never came out and said it, but I knew. Instead, he said something about me protecting the people I loved by leaving. So I did. I left for him." I wasn't sure which him I was talking about, but Jasper needed no clarification, which made me wonder if he knew something I didn't. The look on his face was starting to bug me. Exactly what was he waiting for? "Are you ok?"

"Oh, Bella. Yes, I'm sorry. It's just…your control. It's amazing. Your emotions are so steady; granted, it's mostly a dull pain retreating from your body, but most vampires in your position, your age, would not be this calm, this level-headed. It's astounding the amount of control you have over yourself right now. I've never seen anything like it before, and I've seen a lot of new born vampires in my time. Have you even fed yet?"

"Yes, I had to. When I woke up I could feel the burn in the back of my throat, but it wasn't so bad in the beginning, probably because of the God-awful stench the werewolves put off. They didn't smell appetizing at all. After I finished talking with Jake, I hunted. It was very unnerving at first. I wasn't sure what to do, so I began by imitating what I could remember of Edward hunting…James." I didn't want to give Jasper a chance to react, so I quickly continued. "Not the same, I know, but it was a start, and ultimately, it helped me find my instincts. After that, it was all impulsive, and I didn't really know what I was doing, but it was almost like my head didn't need to know because my body already did." I saw Jasper tense the slightest bit at my words.

"Don't worry, there were no humans around, only our four-legged friends." I smirked at the thought of running through the forest again and wrestling an even larger animal to the ground.

"I see you and Emmett may have something in common. It seems you love the thrill of the hunt almost as much as he does," Jasper chuckled.

"I do, indeed," I agreed.

"Oh, yes. You should definitely hunt with Emmett or at least challenge him to a wrestling match soon." Jasper's words brought sadness once again. My brother, Emmett, whom I loved almost as much as Alice—I missed him so much, and I wordlessly wondered if I would ever see him again. The real question, however, was if I wanted to see him again, but that was one question I wasn't ready to answer yet.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Please finish your story."

"Yes, well, after I hunted and mourned my loss..."

"No use hiding my emotions from Jasper," I told myself. It wasn't like he didn't already know how I was feeling.

"I made the decision to come here—to try to salvage what was left of me—to say goodbye to him and to all of you. Letting you go—moving on—is the only way I can survive this existence. And I need to survive. I can't let this pain eat me alive anymore. I can't keep waiting on him. It's time to face facts; it's over. Jasper, you and I both know even if Edward doesn't love me, he will undoubtedly blame himself for my change, and I can't have that. This has nothing to do with him anymore." I tried my best to hide the depth of my love for Edward. I could have sworn I saw Jasper's lips turn upwards the slightest bit into a quick smirk, but I disregarded it. If Edward was to come back out of obligation, I would never forgive myself. For my own sake, everyone needed to believe I didn't love him—that I had moved on.

Jasper moved closer to me. "Bella, can I ask you something?"

I slowly nodded my head. "Please don't ask if I love him. Please don't ask if I love him. Please don't ask if I love him," I kept repeating in my head. That was one question I knew I couldn't answer. Seeing Jasper had brought back so many dormant feelings. The confusion I had felt the day before was nothing compared to how I was feeling at that moment. But I was dead-set on not verbalizing those feelings to Jasper—at least not yet.

"Has your pain…has it always been this intense," he questioned. I took a deep breath and convinced myself to be honest with Jasper.

"Yes and no. My pain of losing Edward knows no bounds; it is, by all means, debilitating, but when I was human I had Jake, and he helped me hide from the pain. When we were together I didn't hurt so much, but as soon as he left the pain always came back with a vengeance. I didn't want to face the fact that Edward didn't want me. But now there's nowhere to hide and nowhere to run. It's with me everywhere I go and no matter what I do. I figure the only way for me to have a shot at survival in this life is to face the pain head-on, let it run its course, and then let it go. More specifically, let him go." I gave Jasper a moment to thoroughly absorb what I was saying as I crossed the room to close the distance between us. For just a moment, I needed him to feel what I was feeling. I needed him to experience the gravity of what I was about to say. I sat down beside him on the couch and let my emotions seep from my eyes to his.

"Jasper, I don't want him coming back here out of obligation. In fact, I don't want him coming back here at all. Like I said before, he can't know what has happened to me." I glanced down at the neatly folded hands in my lap, trying to hide the sorrow that boiled inside me. I wasn't naturally a selfish person, but I assumed in that instant I needed to be. I was ashamed of myself for asking Jasper to betray his brother like that—to keep my secret from Edward, but I needed that more than I had needed anything in a longtime. Of course, I still wanted Edward to come back, but having him come back for the wrong reasons would have been much worse than him never coming back at all, I thought. Jasper reached out to clutch my hands in his own as he sent waves of peace in my direction. I instantly knew this meant he understood.

"You have my word; I will tell him nothing. I'm so sorry for the pain we put you through—for the life we've sentenced you to. It's ironic though. The creature to doom you to this existence is the same creature…" I could have sworn I heard him finish that statement with: "Edward left to protect you from." But that couldn't have been right. Edward left because he didn't love me, not because he did. It would figure that I was defective.

"Thanks. I'll survive. I always do."

"Even if it as a zombie," I added silently. My narration was complete, but there were still things I wanted to hear from Jasper.

"Ok. I've spilled my secrets. Your turn now."

Jasper repositioned himself on the couch and took a deep breath, as if preparing to deliver bad news. "Having a gift comes with a lot of responsibility. Everyone has a hard time shielding their emotions from me. It's damned near impossible."

I wondered…

"Yes, I felt yours during the course of your story, but please don't be upset. Like I said earlier, it's a part of who I am, and it helps me better understand others. I pretty much rely on it now. However, it is not my place to share the emotions of others unless they verbalize them to me, which most do not because of the whole empathy thing. Over the years I've learned most people, vampires included, lie to themselves about what they are really feeling out of fear. What they are afraid of, I can't exactly say; for some it's the unknown, for others it's heartache. But they let the fear control their lives, nonetheless. I am telling you this for two reasons. Firstly I want you to know our conversation today is strictly between us, brother and sister, and I will not tell anyone in the family without your permission, but you should realize as soon as Alice sees this she will undoubtedly be calling. She would hop on a plane immediately if it weren't for the fact that she doesn't know where I am, and when I left I asked her not to look for my future."

Noticing my concern, Jasper quickly pacified my anxiety. "Don't worry, I'll get to that soon," he promised. I was beginning to appreciate Jasper more and more, but sometimes I hated his empathy. It was like constantly being hooked up to a lie detector. I was so anxious I hadn't really comprehended what he had just said.

"Wait. Alice is still watching? She has been watching the whole time? Meaning she saw how much pain I was in and still did nothing? She left me here alone and didn't care what it did to me? Was my pain fun for her?" I quickly shot question after question at him, not allowing him to answer until he interrupted me.

"Slow down. Alice loves you. You know that. Edward asked her not to watch. He said you deserved your life without interference from us, but that doesn't stop visions from slipping through, especially when they involve me." I wanted so much to believe Jasper, and part of me did. The other part was still trying to protect my heart from breaking again. Jasper's words reminded me of a similar conversation I'd had with a certain other vampire in a forest six months ago.

"_It will be as if I never existed,_" he had said. What a stupid promise to make. He could take my things, my family, and every physical semblance of him, but I would always have my memories. He couldn't take those. How could I ever forget him? Jasper gave me time to adequately manage my emotions and then continued.

"Secondly, even though I will tell you what has brought me here today, I cannot tell you the stories of my brothers and sister—they are their stories to tell. I can, however, convey to you that the last six months have not been as enjoyable for them as you seem to think. Trust me." There was that empathy crap again. I was really going to have to learn to better mask my emotions if I was going to be around Jasper. I hadn't realized until then the extent to which I had missed my brother and how much I longed for him to be a part of my life once again. I began to wonder if I had been wrong before. Maybe, the light of the moon had guided me home. Maybe the Cullens home was my home. Maybe Jasper was my family. And maybe I wouldn't have to be alone after all.

Jasper interrupted my thoughts with the beginning to the answers I had been waiting for. "With that being said, I feel I need to go back to the beginning—the beginning of the end."


	4. Gravity

**A/N: Ok kids, here it is Chapter four. Alas, you will have to wait longer than 1 day for updates now, but if you're good I'll try to ram out chapter 5 for you this weekend. : ) Again thanks for the messages, but I'll love you even more if you review. : )**

**Once again the Twilight goodies all belong to Stephanie Meyer, no matter how much I beg, plead or pray.**

* * *

Jasper's head fell and I was suddenly hit with an overwhelming amount of guilt. I could tell he couldn't bear to look at me as he began his tale, "After I…"

Here he goes again with the guilt. Was he not listening to me earlier when I told him I forgave him? I'm putting an end to this right here, right now. I got up, sat next to him on the couch and put his hands in my own. Touching me would allow him the best access to my emotions and he needed to know how serious I was.

"Jazz, look at me." When I was sure he was looking at me and really listening to what I was saying I continued.

"I'm only going to say this once and then this topic, that night, will never be spoken of again. What happened was an accident and you have nothing to be ashamed of. You didn't hurt me and you didn't cause any of this. My immortality was Victoria's fault. My pain, Edwards. And you aren't either of those people. I forgive you for what you tried to do. Tried being the operative word here, meaning you didn't succeed. So you did nothing and therefore you have nothing to feel bad about. I need you to promise me something. I need you to promise me that you will let go of the pain and guilt you are harboring and be happy. Be happy and go back to Alice. Go back to your family. I can only imagine that is why you are here and why you are in so much pain. You mustn't feel bad any longer. You've wasted too much time away from those who love you. Sitting here with you today has reminded me how much I missed you and I just knew you for a short while. So I can only imagine how the rest of your family must feel with you away. They've known you for decades and you're breaking their hearts by being here. I'm not gonna lie, I love that you're here and it would be nice not to spend this existence alone, but I need you to go back to them. I need you all to be happy. I can't survive knowing you are hurting because of me. None of you deserve that. Promise me."

"Thank you Bella and I promise I will go back to them; you have no idea how much I want to, but please don't assume my only reason for being here is because of my own pain. I think it's time I tell you about what it's been like for the last 6 months."

Jaspers words scared me. There was something he had been hiding from me until now, but suddenly I wasn't sure I wanted to know what that was. I was healing. The memories, the emotions, the talking—it was all helping. Even though I knew without a doubt that the only person who could ever fully heal me was Edward—this was definitely helping and I had a feeling that whatever it was that Jasper was about to tell me was going to rip me open all over again. What is it they say about 2 steps forward and one step back, again?

"After the incident, after Emmett dragged me away, I ran. I ran as far away from here as I could get. I couldn't bear to be around them knowing how much I disappointed them, disappointed my father. I ran until I couldn't run anymore, until the horror and shame of what I had done caught up with me. When Edward found me I was collapsed on the ground letting the pain subdue my body. Bella, he couldn't even look at me. My own brother couldn't look me in the face because I almost killed his…well you. But he couldn't be near as disgusted with me as I was with myself. It took everything in me every day to fight my bloodlust and with one little drop of blood I crumble. But that's not what matters anymore. What matters now is that confrontation with Edward. He may have been harsh with me, but he was honest and that is what eventually brought me home. I spent quite some time alone in the forest and when I returned to the family they were packing."

I was suddenly livid with Edward. Hurting me was one thing, but hurting his family too? How could he do that to his brother? He knew the bloodlust that Jasper fought with. Edward himself faced it every day. It didn't help matters that Jasper had to fight the emotions and bloodlust of everyone around him as well as his own. If Edward were here I'd give him a little piece of my mind, I decided.

"Bella. Don't be angry with him. He had every right to upset with me and eventually he forgave me. At that moment he was too worried about your safety to be concerned about how I felt or even how he felt, for that matter."

I was too angry to listen to Jasper defend Edward right now. "Jasper, don't defend him. Please just continue with your story."

With a slight nod of his head he continued. "When I heard we were moving, I knew it wasn't my place to argue with Edward. I owed him this. This is what he said he wanted."

And there it was. The wound I so skillfully protected was tearing open once more. Jasper's words were like a kick in the gut, reminding me Edward didn't want me, not then, not ever.

Jasper must have felt my pain because an overwhelming sense of comfort engulfed me as he went on. "So I went along with Edward's wishes peacefully. Only I had no idea the repercussions that his decision would have for my family. We settled on the outskirts of Alturas, California, a town similar to forks with plenty of hunting opportunities in Northeastern California, which is where, Carlisle and Esme still reside."

Carlisle and Esme were alone? The Cullen kids would never abandon their "parents" without cause. Poor Esme. "Jasper what happened? Where is everyone else?"

"Hold on. I'm getting there Bella." Patience. It was one trait I had never really mastered.

"Once we settled it was clear that our move had ripped our family into pieces and how could it not, when we left one member here? You may not realize this and I'm not even sure we did at the time, but you were a vital piece to the Cullen family puzzle and without you the pieces no longer seemed to fit. No matter what we did something was missing and we all felt it. Bella, there was so much pain in the house, from everyone. I couldn't go anywhere near Alice and it was killing me to see her hurting like that. I couldn't watch her suffer in pain and do nothing. I couldn't deal with their pain, as well as my own. I couldn't help them anymore. So I decided to leave, if only to sort out my own pain, but I knew Alice would follow me and I couldn't have that. She shouldn't have to see this."

I winced in pain as I took notice of Jasper's strained position the sorrow and loss leaking from him.

"I'm sorry Bella. I am trying to control it."

I quickly pulled me knees to my chest to hold myself together, as if this could get any worse. I forced a smile. "Jasper, it's ok. Nothing I haven't felt before. Please go on."

"Once I had made my decision, I couldn't face the others to tell them. I knew they would be furious and try to stop me, but I just couldn't stay there any longer. So I said goodbye to Alice and left with no plans on when I would return. I didn't know where I was going when I left. I simply ran and this is where I ended up. I've spent the last couple weeks holed up in our bedroom letting the pain slowly eat away at me, all the while trying to find a way to fix my family. I haven't spoken to them since I left except through the occasional text. The last one came last week, when I found out Alice had left Esme and Carlisle to do some tracking and Em and Rose had taken another honeymoon away from the family."

"And him?" Did I really want to know what he was doing? I was still so upset with him for more reasons than I cared to think about right now. Did I care how he was or what he was doing? Yes, unfortunately, I still did. It was obvious I'm afraid, I always would.

"Bella, we don't know where he is. He is what Alice is tracking. But he is fast and has become skilled in the art of non-decision making, you know so Alice can't see."

He's gone? "So, wait. Are you trying to tell me all of this, this hurt, is because you left Forks?"

"Well, yeah. Bella we miss you. All of us." They miss me? Now, after all this time. After my happy ever after is ruined? Where were they when I needed them? I loved them, yes, but in no way did that diminish the hurt I felt from their abandonment. Was I suppose to just up and put their happiness back together just so they could leave me again? And what about Edward? This didn't change what he said. He doesn't love me. I was suddenly angry at Jasper and what he was asking me to do.

"Oh that's rich. So what, because you suddenly get up the nerve to come find me I should jump at the chance to follow you home, so you can have your happy family back? Where's my happiness, Jasper, huh? When do things get to go my way? Why didn't you miss me when he decided to leave? Or how about weeks after he left, while I was a shell, a human zombie? Why didn't you miss me then?"

With every word I spit at Jasper the pain grew increasingly worse until finally the hole ripped wide open and I had no way to control it. Obviously, I had been fooling myself. I was never going to be ok. This family was going to keep breaking my heart over and over and yet I still loved them. I was angry with Edward, with Jasper, with them all, but mostly I was angry with myself for not being enough and I needed time to work through that. Realizing this, Jasper was by my side in a vampire instant. He wrapped his arms around me and cradled me into his lamp. He held me all night while the violent sobs shook my body. As dawn approached the sobs began to slow. Once they had all departed my body I sat up and looked at Jasper. It was then that I noticed it. _Love_. He loved me as a brother loved his sister. I could tell he was remorseful for upsetting me. He longed for my own happiness just as much as he longed for his own.

"Jasper, I'm sorry. I was angry. I don't quite understand why you waited until now to come back, but I don't care. I'm just glad to have at least one you in my life."

"Bella, I told you my story and it's not as if I decided to seek you out to fix my families happiness. Fate brought us back to each other because you are the answer to our pain and, dare I say, we to yours." He was right. They were the answer to my own happiness, but could I be around Edward and not be able to touch him?

Dry tears welled up once more. I laid my head on his shoulder as silent sobs shook through body again. "Oh, Jazz. I missed you all so much. I was so lost, so alone when you left. I don't want to spend all of eternity like that."

I wanted so much to spend it with them, even if I couldn't have Edward. Then the reality of the situation hit me. I loved them, no matter what they had done, and I longed for their happiness. The pain they were experiencing, the discord in their family, it wasn't right. And I knew what had to be done. My happiness needed to be sacrificed once more, only this time it would be my choice. So, I sat up to look him in the face.

"But I can't keep you here any longer. Your family is in shambles. You need to go back to them. You promised."

"Yes. I did and I am going. I can't be away from Alice much longer, but I need you to make me a promise in return."

"Okay."

"I need you to promise me that when the time comes you will listen, that when you get the urge to run, you will stay. Most importantly, I need you to promise that you will look out for yourself, first and foremost. "

"I promise. When are you leaving?" I asked as I got up and strolled across the room, crossing my arms to hide the pain. I knew losing my brother would threaten to bury me alive, but this is what he needed, what they all needed.

"Bella, you're coming with me." Shocked, I turned to face him. "Weren't you listening earlier? We need you, just as much as you need us. You didn't think I would go off and leave my sister here all alone, did you? Plus, I like being around you and with your enhancements I can do that a lot more now."

Was he really offering me a chance at happiness? Is what he said true? Do they really need me as much as I need them? But, what about Edward? He specifically said he didn't want me anymore. I can't encroach on his family now. Oh, I had no doubt he would let me stay, if only out of pity. But I couldn't do that. Did I want to be near him? More than anything. But could I be near him and watch him love another? No, I would never be that strong. My face fell at the revelation. I was so close to happiness. And just like that fate rips it away from me once more. Ohhh how I was beginning to loathe fate and its horrible sense of humor.

"Jasper, I can't go with you. Don't get me wrong I would love nothing more than to have you all back in my life. But Edward made his feelings towards me perfectly clear and he doesn't want me. I'm no good for him and I can't stand around and watch him love another. I may be a little more durable on the outside now, but my insides are well, they're still human. I still break and just thinking about him is threatening to break me into a million little pieces. I can't do it. And I won't let him leave you. As much as he'll never admit it, he needs you too."

A confused look crossed his face. "Bella, what makes you think Edward doesn't want you?"

"He told me, in the forest, that day you all left. He said, "Bella I don't want you. You're no good for me. I'm tired of pretending to be something I'm not." He said I was just a distraction and I can't put myself back in that situation, Jazz. I won't survive this time." Jaspers face was a mask of horror which he quickly concealed. Surely, Edward had told them he no longer loved me. I mean that's why they left, in the first place. Wasn't it?

"Bella, ignore what Edward said. In fact don't think about him at all. You are part of our family and we want you with us. If that means we have to keep Edward away from you then so be it and don't worry he'd never abandon us and even if he tried we'd never let him. Like you said, he can't live without us and us him. The same goes for you. We want and need you both in our lives and we will find a way to make it work. Trust me. With that being said, if you don't come with me, I'm not leaving. And you know then everyone will just come here. Plus if I remember correctly, didn't you say you had to leave forks anyways?"

Jasper smirked because he knew he had me. One way or another I was going to see them again and he knew it. I wasn't sure if I was ready to see the rest of the family. As much as Jasper had helped me I was still hurting. Could they have truly missed me all this time and not contacted me out of respect for Edward? The only way I would know is to go to them. And I would deal with Edward when the time came. The only thing I knew for sure was how much I needed them to survive. And survive I would.

"Ok, Jazz. I'll come with you, but I need you to help me. I won't get through this, seeing him, seeing them all, without you. They didn't have a reason to leave me."

His face flickered with pain so rapidly I thought I may have imagined it. The moment it disappeared he raced up to me and embraced me into a hug. This was different. I had never been so close to him before. It was nice. I liked this brother-sister thing. "Welcome back, Bell. I'll be here to help you the whole way. Whatever you need; let me know. If you're not ready to see them, we won't. We'll take this at your pace. I'm just so excited you're coming home. Esme and Carlisle will be thrilled. In fact, I need to go call them now to tell them we're coming home. I'm actually surprised Alice hasn't called yet."

"uh, Jazz. Don't tell them about me just yet. No, I'm not having second thoughts. I just want it, this, to be a surprise."

"I think that's a great idea, plus it leaves the exact timing in your hands. You are in control here Bell. I'm going to go make this phone call and then do a little hunting. I'd ask if you want to come, but I take it that you'd like a little time alone with your thoughts?

"yes. Thank you. See you in a while."

Jasper raced up the stairs and grabbed his phone out of his room then sprinted out the front door and into the woods.

The empty house left me to my thoughts and I let my curiosity get the better of me as it led me up the stairs. Something was calling me to the third floor. I wasn't sure what I would find when I entered his room, but I continued towards the door nonetheless. I needed this. Maybe it would help. When I reached it I took a deep breath and entered in what I once hoped would be our room. To no surprise of my own everything was how he left it. Edward had taken none of himself to the new house. I wasn't even sure anyone had been in here since the night of my birthday. The couch, the music, it was all here. Not a thing outta place. I looked over to the night stand and that's when I noticed it: 100 years worth of journals. So many times I had wished to delve into his thoughts. Now I could. It may not be right, but I didn't care. Since when did he do what's right?

So I grabbed the one on top and began flipping through the dust filled pages.

_August 16, 1926_

_It seems Carlisle no longer needs me. He has Esme and I have tried again and again to have an open mind with her, but she has taken my place in this family. I hardly ever spend time with my father anymore and she knows it. I hate being privy to her thoughts because it makes it hard to hate her. Carlisle says her ability to love is her gift. I wouldn't disagree, but it doesn't change the facts. It may be time for me to move on…_

I couldn't finish the entry. I didn't want to. The thought of Edward alone made my heart ache. So I closed it immediately and picked up another one. I open it to the middle pages and landed upon an entry from 1930. His words were so lost and remorseful. He talked of hunting down scum in the streets of the Chicago to quench his thirst. This must be during the time he was away from Carlisle and Esme. Immediately I shut the book. I was holding Edwards own words about his early life and I knew this was something I would only want to know if he told me. Reading it seemed a little intrusive; maybe something more recent would better satisfy my curiosity. For some reason I couldn't just walk away from his mind. Being this close to him made me realize just how much my talk with Jasper had in fact helped me heal. I continued to dig through the journals, each one representing a different year in his life, each with 365 entries, until I reached one marked Twenty hundred and five.

_January 26, 2005_

_I don't know what it is about this girl. Maybe it has everything to do with the fact that her mind is closed off to me, but something tells me that it's more than that, no matter how much I try to hide from it. I've never worked this hard to protect anyone. Do I really care if she lives or dies or am I simply trying to protect our secret? I feel something for her that I've never felt before. Could this be love? I am not completely sure. What I do know is that she is awakening the human emotions in me. I'm feeling and thinking things I haven't since, well since I was 18 and alive. I hate when Alice is right. I do love her. What's worse is everyone knows it. I hear it in their minds every day. I love Bella Swan. Now what am I going to do about it? Can I leave her to live a human life that which she deserves? Or am I to be selfish and doom her to a life of darkness and bloodlust? No, an angel like her should never be doomed to anything, but can I stay away from her? I must try. If only during her waking hours. Nothing is wrong with keeping her safe from the shadows and watching her in the darkness. At least this way she is guaranteed to stay alive and live a happy normal human life. I think I would do anything to protect that for her. "If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger: I should not seem a part of it." That statement has never held more meaning for me than now. It is truer than ever._

I was so lost in Edwards words that I didn't even smell him coming. I was ripped out of my bliss by Jasper, "Hey, there Bell. Whatcha doing?"

"Oh, Jasper. You frightened me. Reading, I know I shouldn't. But I can't help myself. You won't tell him will you?"

"Haha No. After all these years, it is about time someone got inside his head. He's in ours enough. You almost ready to leave?"

"Yeah, almost. I just need a little more time— to say goodbye." There it was again. Every time I mentioned Edward and me, Jasper's face flashed with a fleeting look of horror, or was it sadness? I honestly wasn't sure, but I was positive he wouldn't tell me if I asked.

"Hey, while I finish up here can I convince you to do me a favor?"

"Hm. I don't know." Oh the suspense. He was going to make me wait. "I guess. Since it's for my sister." Something told me jasper got immense pleasure out of referring to me as his sister, but it didn't bother me. In fact I reviled in it. I just hoped the rest of his family would be just as receiving of me in the end.

"Aw, thanks brother. Can you run by my house and pick me up some things for our trip?" I handed him the list of things I would need and some I would want that I had compiled while he was out.

"Okay, I'll be back in an hour." And with vampire speed he left me to my own thoughts of Edward as he raced out the door and towards my house. I didn't really need anything from the house, but I knew it was a good way to distract Jasper and to get a few last minutes with Edward, or at least his things.

I couldn't bear to leave Edwards thoughts here in this empty house. They were too precious for that. I would simply bring them with me. So I shut the book and continued to peruse Edwards's room. I walked the length of the room, running my hand down the furniture. It was like Edward was still here with me. I sat down on the couch with Edwards's journal on my lap and my head in my hands and let his scent engulf me. If his thoughts and words comforted me, then his scent was like an anesthetic to my wound. It seemed no matter how much he hurt me or how angry I got with him, I would always love Edward! He had this invisible hold over me, a hold that my heart didn't want him to relinquish, but the truth was that he had. The day he walked out on me, he had willingly given me back every piece of myself that I had given him, including my love. The sad part was that I didn't want it back and in truth it would always belong to him, whether he wanted it or not. Knowing this sent shivers down my spine. I would inevitably be seeing him soon because I knew he couldn't stay away from his family. I wondered where he had gone and why he was hiding from his family anyways, that wasn't like Edward at all.

I continued to lurk in thoughts of my eventual reunion with Edward. I wondered what it would be like and what actually seeing him would do to me, how being near him might affect me. But I knew that no matter the outcome I wouldn't give this chance up, this chance to see get my family back and to see him again, to say goodbye. I know without a doubt that he is going to feel responsible for my change, but I will absolve him from that, so he can have his happy ever after, even if I can't have mine.

I knew Jasper would be approaching soon, so I got up to leave as I noticed something glint in the light. I walked over to his couch side table and picked up a pair of keys. The key ring itself was simple with no distinguishable marks or chains on it. It simply bared two silver keys and what looked like an antique pocket watch. I could only imagine what these keys unlocked, but I was determined to find out. The keys were newer looking keys each about 2 inches long. I figured they belonged either to a house or vehicle, but why would they be left here? I decided to ask Jasper when he returned. He'd know.

I was just about to exit Edwards's room when I turned to take his scent in one last time. I made a beeline for the closest, knowing his scent would be strongest there. I opened the door and the beautiful aroma that was Edward almost knocked me over. I didn't want to be without it, so I grabbed one of his shirts and headed back towards the door. I rationalized my actions in my head. Something about the smell of him kept me calm and I would need that when I saw them again, I thought. So with journal and shirt in hand I headed towards the garage. Jasper didn't say so, but I couldn't imagine we would run the entire way. I needed to slow time down, to give myself adequate time to process the situation that was my life. As I walked by the huge modern plate glass windows adorning the hallway, I took notice of the outside. Apparently, I had been so overcome by my thoughts that I hadn't realized that day was settling into night. It was twilight, Edward's favorite time of the day. It would only come to reason that now would be the time that Jasper and I leave on our journey back to him, or at least back to his family, my family, I hoped.

When I reached the garage, I flipped on the switch only to find a whole row of cars hidden under the lights. The Cullen's always did love their expensive cars and they loved their expensive cars to go fast. Right in the middle of all this expensive metal was none other than Edwards Volvo. He loved that car, why would he not bring it with him, I wondered. Maybe it's because of me, I thought. I wonder if it still smells like me? He always said he loved the way my scent lingered. That must be it. My scent must disgust him now. He probably never wants to smell it again. That belief threatened to rip my heart in two. I should want to tear this car to pieces, the way Edward tore my heart, but I couldn't help but long to be locked within its confines. To be surrounded by the thing he loves, to be encased by his scent. It's ironic, before today I shied away from anything that would remind me of Edward, but now it seemed I would do whatever I could to be as close to him as possible. That's when I remembered the keys in my hands. Without further thought, I headed straight for the Volvo and unlocked the doors. I sat down in the driver's seat, placing Edwards stuff in the back seat and shut the door. His scent was overwhelming. No one else had ever sat in this seat except for Edward. He was the only one allowed to drive his car and while it use to annoy me, I was now thankful for it. I closed my eyes and lay my forehead on the steering wheel. Thoughts of Edward flooded my mind and I welcomed the pain once more. Just when I thought I was going to be buried six feet under, I felt a crushing sense of peace take over my body. My head snapped up and I noticed Jasper was sitting next to me once again.

"Bell, are you ok?" he questioned.

"No, but I will be, eventually."

"What are you doing in the Volvo?"

"Honestly?" Jasper nodded his head.

"Smelling him. I missed his smell. You know he took everything from me when he left? My pictures, my lullaby, every physical representation of himself. All he left me was my memories and I'm supposed to forget? I can't get rid of my memories, Jazz. I can't forget."

"I don't want to" I quietly added, hoping Jasper didn't hear.

"Bell, don't worry. You're going to get through this. I'm going to help you. Nothing is going to keep you down…not even gravity. You will rise above this. I promise." The sincerity in Jaspers voice made me actually believe me. Maybe he was right; maybe I could get over this pain. Maybe I could survive.

"Now, how about we get you home? I know some people who are dying to see you. They just don't know you're coming yet." Jasper smirked. He loved bringing happiness to those around him. He was quite a cheerful guy especially if he didn't have to deal with the emotions of others.

"Let's hit the road. And Jazz, I want to take the Volvo."

"Are you sure?" he wondered.

"Absolutely. If Edward gets angry let him answer to me." I could handle Edward.

"Whoa, now that's one wrath I wouldn't want to contend with." He laughed. And with that we changed seats. Jasper then opened the garage and backed out of the Cullen driveway, leaving Forks and my human life behind us in the distance.


	5. I'll Stand By You

**A/N: A gift for you on MLKJ Day(or atleast it was when I started to post this): I thought you'd enjoy a chapter with the Cullen's, even if it is all angsty. : ) I'm sorry this chapter is so long, but there was just so much that needed to be in it. I tried splitting it in two, but it just didn't work. On a side note, I love me some Cullen's and I'm getting antsy so you're going to get to see their reunion with Bella soon.**

**I hope you enjoy this chapter anyways! Leave me a review and let me know what you think. They make my day, seriously. Nothing is better than a blackberry waking you up to FF reviews. It makes me giddy. I'm usually not one for bribery either, but the more reviews I get, the faster I get chapters out. It's just a little motivation for me, right? : )**

**And as always I do not own twilight. All royalties are reserved for Stephanie Meyer. Oh how I envy thee.**

* * *

You'd think being a psychic would make them listen to me. But do they listen? No, of course not. I mean it's not like I see the future or anything. I told him this would happen; I told them all this would happen. This was the one time I hated being right. I remember the night it all changed, the night Edward changed it all.

"Edward, you can't do this. You can't leave her. She loves you and you her. This is going to kill you both. Trust me. Please." I pleaded with him.

Just as my favorite brother turned to look at me and began to speak, Carlisle interrupted him. "Alice, Edward wants to leave, so we are leaving. This is his choice and we owe this to him."

I knew Edward wasn't taking this decision lightly. I could see the heartache written all over his face, but that did nothing to sway his decision. He was sure this was the right thing for Bella, the only way to keep her safe. Edward would do anything to keep her safe from this life, to keep her alive even if that meant he had to endure the most unimaginable pain possible.

So, I knew my fight was useless. There was no chance of me changing his mind, so I gave up. I didn't try hard enough to save my family. I knew what was going to happen and I didn't make them see. I should have made them see what leaving would do to him, do to all of us. They may not have listened to me, but at least I would know I tried and then maybe we wouldn't have become the entangled mess of pain and heartache that we were now.

Edward was hurting just like I knew he would, that much was obvious. How could he not, when he left his mate? I could only imagine the unthinkable amount of pain he was silently suffering from. I knew things had hit an all time low when Jazz couldn't take it anymore. The pain became so intolerable that Jazz, my mate, my soul, chose to leave us, to leave me. In all honesty, I knew it had nothing to do with me—that this was just something he had to do to survive, but his leaving still threatened to rip me in two, nonetheless. This wasn't entirely Edwards fault either, I knew that. It was mine too. I was in almost as much pain as Edward after we left Forks. Bella was the only real friend I'd ever had that wasn't a vampire. And when we left Edward wouldn't let me say goodbye to her. He made me leave my best friend; he took her away from me and to say I was hurting was an understatement.

I missed her, unbearably so, and that made it hard for Jasper to be near me. My love couldn't be near our family because of the pain we suffered from. So, he left. I had no idea where he was going or if he'd even come back, but I knew he needed this. Being near all this pain wasn't good for him. He felt guilty enough for snapping at Bella and we weren't helping him deal with that. He needed to be on his own for awhile, so I let him go. I knew he would come back to me eventually because if he didn't I would track him down. I was sure he knew it too.

Since Jasper had left, our pain had only gotten increasingly worse. We hadn't realized the extent of the emotions Jasper had been absorbing for us lately. The pain that was unbearable before was now simply paralyzing. How Jasper had managed to wordlessly live with all that heartache for so long unaided was beyond me. He was truly an amazing creature and I knew it was his love for me that sustained his strength to stay with us as long as he did.

These days, Edward never left his room and we practically had to coerce him to feed. It was saddening to watch. Carlisle would force himself to leave the hospital just long enough to drag Edward to the mountains to hunt. They were never gone very long and when they returned Edward always went right back to sulking in pain in his room. To say Carlisle wasn't around much would be laughable. Who was I kidding, he was never here anymore. And Emmett and Rosalie stayed holed up in there room. But Esme was the worst. She couldn't stand to see her children in such pain. So she didn't watch—she stayed away from us all.

We were no longer the Cullen family. We had become 7 individual vampires living under one roof. The pain was crushing the familiar bonds we shared each other, the bonds that in fact connected us. And it had only been six months since we had left Forks and one month since Jasper left. I knew if we all continued like this the pain was going to burn us alive. But what I could do I wasn't sure. That's when I found the note from Edward—he had left us.

_My Dearest Family,_

_I am immensely sorry for the pain and heartache I have caused you. This is my pain and you should not be forced to bear it any longer. So I am leaving and yes by the time you read this I will already be gone. I am a coward. I couldn't bear to face you because I know you would have tried to convince me to stay and I can't do that. Please don't hate me too much. I am doing this—leaving—for you. You are my family and I will always love you. One day when the pain isn't so much and I'm sure she is safe I will return to you. I know you loved her too, but it is my hope that with me gone so will be your pain. Please don't look for me. I need to do this, for her, and for you. Shall you need to get in contact with me I have set up an untraceable emergency phone number at which I can be reached. It is enclosed. Please stay safe and remember I love you all. I bid thee farewell, my beloved family._

_Always,_

_Edward_

I was enraged. What in the world made Edward think he could run, not only from his family, but from his anguish too? Didn't he know that we, that it would follow him wherever he went? That's when I decided—I was going to find him. If he wanted this pain to all go away then he was going to have to be the one to fix it and it seemed everyone knew that, but him.

I almost felt bad for Edward. For decades he felt so alone, like the outcast of our family and when he finally finds someone to bring out the truth of his humanity, he leaves her. He says it was to protect her, but part of me still thinks he was scared and he can't keep running away. I won't let him. I just need to make him see how much he needs her. I will make him see. I vowed. Why hasn't he realized yet if he is hurting, more than likely so, too, is she? Why must he always underestimate her? Sometimes Edward could be such a man. And he always said he had no humanity in him whatsoever. Oh boy how wrong was he and this stunt proved it.

It's true that I somewhat understood his need to keep her safe. But this act of cowardness was enough to infuriate me beyond means. Running away from his family, the same family that uprooted their lives only six months ago for him was beyond selfish. Esme had already lost Bella and Jazz and I could tell it was killing her. It was like she was being forced to repeatedly relive her human life and the death of her child. And I could only imagine the torture that was causing her.

To make matters worse I had seen the possibility of Edwards's departure weeks ago, but he had promised me he wouldn't leave. How I had missed his decision to leave this time I wasn't positive, but I couldn't stand idly by any longer. I had to fix this. And the only way to fix it was to bring him home. With letter in hand, I made my way towards the place I knew Esme would be—the place she never left: Edward's piano. Day in and day out she simply sat in front of his piano longing for a time when we were happy—when the sound of Edwards music reverberated throughout the entire house.

"Esme" I whispered softly as I slowly approached her. As she turned to look at me, I could see the tension in her body and the logging in her eyes.

"May I sit with you?" I questioned.

"Of course, my child"

I knew this conversation could go one of two ways so, I pleaded with her. "Esme, there is something I need to tell you and I need you to stay calm, for me."

Her head fell as she sighed, "You're leaving me too, aren't you? Why have my children forsaken me?"

The pain on her face was unbearable to witness. In an effort to ease her pain, I grabbed her hands and encased them within my own. "Esme, mom, please look at me."

Once it was clear she was looking I continued. "It's Edward. He's gone. He has this bizarre notion that the family falling apart is his fault—and his alone. He thinks that if he leaves us we will all magically be happy again and our family will fix itself. He says he will return to us when we are once again happy and he is sure Bella is safe."

"Alice has he gone back to her?" She wondered.

"I can't tell. He says he wants to make her safe, but I don't think he'd go back to check on her because we all know he'd never be able to leave her again. I think he has gone after Victoria, but I can't be sure." Why can't I be sure? What am I missing? Has my pain gotten so intense that it's blocking my power or has Edward found a way to hide from me? Either way I didn't care. I was determined to find him and bring him home, willingly or not.

"Oh Edward, my son. Where have you gone?" She whimpered. It broke my heart to see our dear mother in this much pain. It ripped open old wounds from her human life every time one of us left and I feared before the end of this conversation I, too, would be the cause of her struggle.

"Esme, you and I both know we will never be the same without him or Bella. She completes him."

"And us." Esme interjected.

I dropped her hands and crossed the room towards the flickering flames of the fireplace. I thought carefully about my words before I continued. "Yes, and us, vampire or not. And the only way for us to be whole again is to bring Edward home and to try and convince him to return to forks—to Bella."

"So, you are leaving?" She speculated.

I turned to face her and found she was no longer at Edwards's piano, but instead stood facing the entry hall gazing upon old family photos. We took every precaution to seem as human as possible and these pictures were one of the many. The boys hated them, saying they were needless and tiresome, but we routinely added to the collection because Esme got such delight out of them. I slowly made my way towards her and the old photographs. I placed my hand on her shoulder and continued. "Yes, I am leaving. But only to track down Edward and bring him home—by force if necessary."

She turned to face me. I knew she was hurting and the reality that I was the cause of this pain threatened to split my heart in two. Seeing this, she placed my hands in her own and allowed all the affection she held for me to shine through her heartache. I've always known how much Esme loved me, but the fact that my mother's love for me—the only mother I could remember—outweighed her pain and even weakened my own was enough to give me the strength I needed to leave her like this. Seeing the determination in my face, she spoke. "Oh Alice, honey, I don't want you to leave, but I know you have to. I know it has been hard on you being here without Jasper and I am sorry for your pain. But, you're right, we need to fix our family and this is the only way. So go to him and bring him home."

Her understanding was what I needed as my resolve was what she needed. "I will. I promise. And soon enough we will have Bella back, as well." I handed her the contents of Edwards's envelope with two numbers written on it. "Now here is the number Edward left for us as well as the number I am taking with me. You call anytime, for anything. And, mom, please try to get Carlisle to come home. We need him almost as much as you do. He is the rock of our family and we are not the Cullen's without him." Carlisle's absence from the family was killing Esme, but she handled it with bravery. I didn't know how she did it, but I knew her resolve would falter if he didn't come home soon.

"I know honey. And I miss him terribly, but I'm afraid Edward is the only one who can bring him back to us. I knew he'd been hiding something from me all this time and I'm afraid he has known quite sometime of Edwards plans to leave. Edward would never leave without his father's approval and it is my fear that Carlisle, against his better judgment, gave Edward his blessing and that is what has driven your father from us. So, he will come back to us, I promise you, but I'm afraid our dear Edward must first return. Alice, honey I do have one question. Why didn't you see Edward's decision to leave before he executed it?"

I knew this was coming, but I had vainly hoped it would not. It was confession time—time for me to admit that Edwards leaving was my fault. I could have stopped it. I should have stopped it. "Esme, I'm sorry. I should have told you sooner. I did see it, right before Jazz left. When I saw it I confronted Edward. I told him what I would do if he left and he promised me he wouldn't. However, now I think it wasn't so much that Edward changed his mind, but more that he decided to do everything to hide his decision from me until the last possible moment. And I confess with Jasper's absence I have been unfocused. I've been trying to keep watch but sometimes my pain becomes so much that it is the only thing I can focus on." The acknowledgment of my faults and the effects they had on my family was enough to rack me with convulsions and dry sobs. Esme grabbed me into her arms and held me until I was able to reign in my emotions.

"Thank you, mom, but I must be going. Every minute I waste is a minute Edward gets farther from us. If you hear from him, please let me know and I think it best if we not tell him I am following him, just yet. He will know soon enough."

Esme nodded. "Yes, I agree and please be careful; my child. I can't handle losing one child, much less two of them. So find your brother and both of you come home safe."

"I will mom. See you soon. I love you." With that I gave her a hug and made my way out the door. Where I was going to go I had no idea.

I tried searching for Edwards future and nothing. It wasn't as if his future had completely disappeared but more that he simply wasn't making any decisions about it. He must be expecting me to watch and it was obvious he didn't want anyone near him. Well, too bad for him because whether he liked it or not I was coming. And I could be a spitfire if I needed to. I knew Edward was on foot, which made it a little easier for me to track him, especially without my visions.

It had been almost a full week—one hundred sixty hours, to be exact, that I had been chasing Edwards's ass up and down the coast. And I almost caught him a couple times. He knew I was chasing him now, which made him even more determined to not make any decisions—or to keep changing his mind—depending on what kind of mood he was in. I was really getting annoyed with him and his misplaced sense of humor.

The last time I almost caught him was in San Antonio. Just as I was getting close my phone went off. I was tempted to silence it, but knowing it was probably Esme I decided against it. "Esme, it's so good to hear from you. I'm sorry I haven't called lately."

"No, Al honey, it's me."

As soon as I heard that melodic voice I loved so much I thought I was going to faint. The bolt his voice sent through me almost knocked me off my feet which forced me to steady myself on a nearby tree.

"Jazz, is that you? Am I really talking to you?" I questioned.

"Yes, honey, it's me. Oh Al, I miss you so much. It's killing me being this far away from you." He wept.

My body shook with dry tears as I realized the man I loved was somewhere on the other end of this line, alive. Thank, God. I needed so much to hear his voice. And now that I had, it triggered my intense need for him to be with me, near me. "Oh, Jazz, I miss you too. I need you, Jazz. I know you had to leave because of the pain, but I can't live without you any longer. It hurts too much. Can't you come home, please find some way to survive with us?"

"Alice, honey, slow down. That's why I'm calling. I am coming home. Tonight." Did I just hear him right? Did he really say he was coming home? My other half is coming back to me? I sighed a sigh of relief. "Finally" I had hoped for this ever since the day he left. I have lived without him for far too long. Oh. But wait. I'm not in California, am I? Curse you fate.

"Oh, that makes me so happy. But Jazz, there's something you don't know. The family…well we've only gotten worse since you left. Rose and Em left, Edward left, I left, and Carlisle spends all day and night at the hospital. Esme feels abandoned and it's all my fault. This never would have happened if only I stopped Edward in the beginning. If I had stood up to him and made him see what he was doing. I should've…"

He interrupted me. "Alice stop. Don't you dare try to blame yourself for this mess. This is not your fault. No one could have known how leaving Bella would cripple us. I already know what shambles the family is in and it is going to be fine. Don't worry. We're going to put them—put us back together, I promise you that. Now where are you?"

"Right now I'm in San Antonio. I was just about to catch Edward when you called, but he's gotten away again and I think he's headed south." I could hear the breath catch in Jasper's throat as I spoke. I knew he wouldn't be happy with my current whereabouts and the direction Edward was heading.

"Alice, what are you doing in south Texas? You know of my past and you know who's down there, or more precisely what's down there. So please tell me why you are there and that you're leaving immediately. Honey, just because I have left doesn't mean the rest of them have." He persuaded.

"I know Jazz and I am being careful. But you know I have no choice over where Edward goes. I'm simply following him. I have a theory though. I think he's tracking Victoria, or trying to at least. We've run across her scent a couple times, but Edward seems to always miss her. So it's fine. I know what I'm doing and as soon as I catch him—we're coming straight back to you." "I wouldn't miss one more moment with you," I added silently. I wanted to get back to Jazz, just as much as Edward longed for Bella. And talking to Jasper was strengthening my determination to catch Edward. If I had any say in the matter, Edward and I would be headed home tonight.

"Good. I don't like you being down there at all much less without me. But Alice, you say you think Edwards tracking Victoria?" He questioned.

"Yes." Why was Jasper concerned with Victoria? Something was telling me, that he knew more than he was letting on. What was Jasper keeping from me? I wondered.

"When was the last time you caught her scent?" He inquired.

"The beginning of the week, why? Jazz, you're scaring me. What's going on?" He was definitely keeping something from me and I wanted to know what it was. Had he seen Victoria? No, Jazz would have called home if he'd had a run in with other vampires, wouldn't he?

I heard Jazz take a huge intake of breathe like he was preparing to deliver bad news. "She's dead Alice. Victoria is dead." Bad news? This was great news. Victoria was dead! Wait, dead? How? By whose hands? Did he kill her? I needed some answers.

"What? Dead? How? When? Where? Who did it? Are you sure?"

"OK, Alice breathe. Yes Victoria is dead, but that is all I can tell you right now. The rest you will find out in due time. Just be patient and trust me. Take solace in the fact that everyone is fine and the threat against Bella is gone. Alice, honey, I want you to tell Edward about Victoria; it will bring him home. Knowing Bella is safe and alive is the only thing that will bring him home to his family." How did Jazz know all of this? But more importantly why wouldn't he tell me everything he knew? Wait, did he say Bella?

"Jazz, have you seen Bella? Is that where you've been all this time? In Forks?" I wondered.

"Alice, honey, all in due time, I promise. Please just focus on finding Edward and coming home to me!" He was keeping something from me and it was quite obvious he wasn't going to be spilling his secrets anytime soon. His secrecy only fueled my desire to race home to him even faster.

"I will. In fact I'll be seeing you in exactly…" I had to know how long until I would be reunited with my love. So I did the thing I had promised him I wouldn't do while he was away. I checked his future and I got nothing. Just fuzz.

"Maybe you're just out of practice. Try again." I told myself. So, I did and again I got nothing—just fuzz, like he had no future, like he was going to die. That sent me into utter freak out mode.

"No, no. that can't be. Where is it? I know it's there. This isn't the end. This can't be the end. What's wrong with me?" I whimpered.

"Alice, sweetheart, what's wrong? When are we to be reunited, my love?" He questioned, trying to hide the concern in his voice.

I panicked. "You're what's wrong. I don't know when we're going to see each other. I can't see you future. It's all fuzzy. It's like you..."

"…disappear?" he finished. "When was the last time you saw a vision of me?"

He told me not to look. I promised not to look. I didn't look, but that didn't stop me from seeing. He would know that right? He didn't think I'd go against his wishes did he?

"Al, calm down and think. I don't need to be near you to know what you're thinking. I know you weren't watching for my future, but I also know that doesn't stop visions from still slipping through. So, honey think back. When was the last one?"

The miles did nothing to impair our relationship or the resilient bond we shared. I fervently loved this man and nothing would ever change that. Jasper proved that to me every time he spoke. I briefly stole my thoughts away from my love for Jasper and back to my visions. Last one? Last one? Hm. "The last one I clearly remember was last week. I saw you. You were in so much pain. It was hard to watch. I tried to ignore it, but it debilitated me." I winced in pain as I remembered what I saw.

"Ah. honey, I'm sorry you had to see that. I didn't want you to, that's why I left—to protect you from my pain. And as far as your visions go—I think we're safe. You haven't seen one in a week and I'm still in perfect health, but I promise I'll be safe and if anything happens you'll be the first to know." I better, I thought silently. Why Jasper was so calm about my blindness was an utter mystery to me. I knew no matter what he said I would worry until the moment I saw him again with my own two eyes.

I took a death breath and sighed. There wasn't much I could do for him from Texas anyways. I had to trust that he would be safe and take care of himself. "Okay, Jazz, but if you come back to me with one hair missing on that precious little head of yours you will pay for it. The end."

"Yes, ma'am. You're one little pixie I wouldn't want to cross."

I loved when Jazz laid on that southern boy charm. It was incredibly sexy. If only we were closer…Oh, but we will be soon enough and that was enough for me to press on towards ending my current bliss with him and focusing on finding Edward, so we both can return home, to our family and to each other. "So, I'll see you soon, my love?"

"See you soon darling. I'll be counting the minutes until you return to me and our family. I love you."

"Love you too, Jazz." And with that I hung up the phone on the most blissful 15 minutes of the last month. Slowly, but surely I saw our family coming back together. I knew it would take time to complete it once again—to convince Edward to return to forks, but it could be done. Talking with Jasper gave me a new air of confidence and now that I knew I'd soon have my husband back my resolve to soldier on was bolstered once more.

I followed Edward's scent until it was so diluted I could no longer sense it. This led me to the south portion of San Antonio and from here I didn't know where to turn. Edward had gone south, I knew that much, but where was he headed? I wondered. This was a lot harder without my visions and when I finally caught up to him I was going to seriously make him pay for all this distress. He knew I was following and he could make this a whole a lot easier on both of us if he'd only let me see. Why must he make everything so difficult? Stupid, masochistic, brother of mine.

Hoping for some clue as to Edward's whereabouts, I closed my eyes and let my senses over take my body. Then luck was finally thrown my way. A vision of Edward had plummeted through my current bliss. He made a decision to go to Kingsville, Texas. My eyes popped open with the end of the vision and I ran. I ran as fast as my legs would take me. Along the way I once again caught Edward's scent. So I followed it all the way into the southern outskirts of Kingsville. Once there the scent slowly vanished and just when I thought I had missed Edward again the wind changed and I caught the aroma of his scent.

I looked up and there he was. I should have known he'd climb a tree to try and throw me off.

"Edward."

He looked straight ahead across the horizon avoiding my gaze as he spoke. "Yes, Alice. You've been chasing me for days now. I decided it was time to let you catch up to me. So please say what you have to say so you can go home and leave me alone." Ha, if Edward thought I was going to leave him alone he had another thing coming. He was coming home with me, whether he liked it or not.

I masterfully climbed the old pecan tree Edward had perched himself on and sat down beside him. You didn't need to be an empath to feel the pain radiating from every inch of his body, even as he failingly tried to conceal it. Any anger I held at him disintegrated at that moment, but I was still determined to make him see the truth.

Best to not beat around the bush I gathered. So, I allowed my composure to soften as I questioned him. "Edward, what are you doing?"

He looked at me confusingly as I continued, "You can't play me for a fool, dear brother. As much as I'd like to think your little trek across the country this past week has simply been to lose me, I'd be fooling myself. You're after something. Or someone perhaps?"

He straightened his head forward again before he spoke. Something told me he couldn't bear to look at me because it was too hard to hide his raw emotions, emotions he didn't want me to see. He was ashamed of something I was sure, but exactly what that was I had no clue. "Alice, you know who I'm after. I have to make sure she's safe."

"I get that Edward. Really, I do. But how could you abandon us like that—your family?" I questioned.

He closed his eyes and took a death breath as if he was to admit to murder. I could see the pain he had hidden in his face, but his eyes were full of shame as he bore into me with them. "Please don't think that wasn't hard for me, Alice, because it was immeasurably difficult. But I couldn't stay there anymore. All that pain—the pain I caused—it was everywhere. I couldn't take it. I saw what I did to you all. For God's sake I chased jasper away from us. I knew you were all so much better off without me and my demons. And I foolishly thought trying to track Victoria would be a distraction from my own pain."

Why my brother was so masochistic I would never understand. Didn't he ever listen to Bella when she told him he had a soul? I needed to make him understand. "Edward Cullen you made the choice to leave forks. It was your decision that hurt us; not you."

Edward soaked up my words one by one and I could tell they were having a small, but vital impact upon his psyche. So I grabbed his hands and turned to face him. Once we were face to face, I could tell he was trying to read my mind.

"No, Edward. For once stay out of my mind. There are things for you to hear and you mustn't rush them." With a nod of his head I continued, but not before deciding to recite Homer's _The Iliad_ into Greek in my mind to keep Edward out.

"You, my dear brother, seriously underestimate everyone around you. You didn't realize how much we all loved Bella and how much it would hurt us all to lose her. In reality, I'm not sure we realized it either. But it did and there is nothing any of us can do to change the past 6 months. And as far as Jazz is concerned you didn't chase him away. It's true he left because the pain became too much, but it wasn't just your pain he was dealing with—it was all of our pain. He had to leave to survive. Edward, you have some backwards notion that you are to blame for the heartache of everyone around you and that is not the case." Edwards head fell and I could see the guilt oozing from him. I dropped his hands from my own as I let him process his thoughts and emotions for a few minutes. Surprisingly, then he looked up at me.

"I can never fully express how deeply sorry I am for the hurt I have caused our family—for the hurt I have caused you, Alice. You're right I cannot change what has happened, but I can move forward and I intend to do just that."

Good. Now we were getting somewhere. With a new sense of confidence about him I decided to ask him the question I hoped would lead him back to Bella. "So tell me Edward, has this journey been a distraction from your anguish?"

He closed his eyes tightly and quietly snickered. "I think you already know the answer to that question. You can tell just by looking at me. I am trying to hide it, but it is a fool's effort." I agreed with him, there.

"Yes and I hate to tell you this, but it will not get easier. In fact, it will only get worse. She is your mate, we all can see that, and you need her. You cannot run away from this or from her."

"I'm not running from anything. I'm simply no good for her Alice. I have to make myself stay away to protect her." Must he always be so self-deprecating? If he wasn't my favorite brother I'd have half a mind to give him a good slap in the face right now.

"Protect her from what Edward?" I already knew his answer to this, but I baited him anyways.

"From Victoria, from me, from this life. I have to protect her from it all Alice. She doesn't deserve to be condemned to this life of bloodlust and night walking." He pleaded. His love for Bella was obvious and I speculated it was only a matter of time before he returned to her. But before he could go back he needed to accept that there was still humanity in him and he wasn't quite as soulless as he thought.

"Edward you are not the soulless monster you presume yourself to be; your behavior confirms it. If you were, you wouldn't feel pain or love, for that matter. You wouldn't have these intense human emotions that you have been experiencing over the course of the last year. You may have been soulless before, but Bella changed that—she changed you. We all saw it." I pleaded with him to see it too.

"Maybe, but that still doesn't change anything Alice. I refuse to take her humanity and yet I could slip at any moment. You know how I have to control myself just to be near her." He rationalized. I knew at that moment Edward was trying more to convince himself than he was trying to convince me. All I needed to do now was make him see the flaws in his rationale.

"So what are you saying? Is she not worth it? No one ever said love was easy, Edward. In fact it's hard and you have to work at it every day, but we all do it because of that other person because we care for them. And the fact that you are sitting here agonizing over potential slip ups just proves how much you love her and how you would never hurt her."

Edward was miffed at my astute observations and concrete justification. He crossed his arms like a five year old that just lost a game of go-fish. "Of course she's worth it Alice. I would give anything to hold her in my arms again, you know that."

Now that Edward had stopped trying to convince himself that he was a monster, I knew it was time to help him find the answer to his dilemma with Bella. He knew he couldn't stay away much longer, but first I needed to make sure that when he returned to her he wouldn't ever leave again. No one could survive losing their soul mate twice in one lifetime. In all actuality, I wasn't positive they could survive it once. "I know how much you love her Edward, but I need you to see it. You say you'd give anything for her, but would you really? Because you still refuse to give her the one thing she needs from you."

"And what pray-tell is that. Alice?" He inquired.

I pierced Edward with my eyes. I need him to see the seriousness and fervor of my words. "Trust, Edward. Bella needs your trust. She needs you to trust that your love is strong enough to endure anything. She needs you to trust yourself—that you can maintain the same remarkable amount of control you've always shown. But most importantly, she needs you to trust her. You can't keep making decisions for her, Edward. Her mind is closed off to you, so you can't possibly know what she is thinking and I know that scares you. But you need to trust that she is going to tell you what she is thinking and that she will always be honest with you. You need to trust her to be your partner."

"I do trust her Alice."

"No, Edward you say you do, but really you don't because if you did you never would have left her to begin with. You think that because she is a human that somehow makes her weaker than you—in every facet. But you're wrong. Physically you are stronger, yes, but emotionally, intellectually, I'm not so sure. Jasper showed me the things she felt for you, Edward, and those feelings were not trivial. Those were not the feelings of a child; they'd rival the emotions of almost any vampire. You were foolish not to take them seriously for what they truly were." I noticed as Edward winced at my words. I knew the pain this was causing him, but there were things he needed to hear.

"I know this hurts Edward and I am sorry, but you need to see. You can't believe that just because she is human that her feelings don't compare to the depth of yours because they do. You always said she surprised you. She wasn't like other humans her age. I don't know if it is some ingrained propensity to love or if it's just you, but you can't undervalue her feelings. And if you can finally accept the depth of what she feels for you then you should also accept your destiny and return to her." I watched closely as Edward considered what I had said and silently weighed his options.

"Okay Alice, I'll humor you. So what if you're right. What if Bella loves me just as much as I love her? So what? There is still the matter of her safety. There is still the matter of Victoria." He concluded.

"For God sake, you're a vampire, Edward! You can protect her from every "threat" out there. Not to mention we will always be there to help, even if by chance that threat happens to be you, which it won't. We're you're family and we'll never leave you or her. And Victoria is no longer a threat, not since she's dead." I knew Edward would be angry with me for not telling him sooner about Victoria, but there were more important things to discuss at the time. We had come so far in our conversation and I hoped this little tidbit wouldn't set us back. I prepared myself for the onslaught on Edward's verbal attack.

"Dead? What do you mean she's dead? How do you know? Are you sure, Alice?" And there it was. Although I was almost positive he was going to sling a few pretty profanities my way, he did nothing of the sort. Our little vampire must be growing up and maturing. Now if we could only get him to stop all the brooding, we'd be in great shape, I internally joked.

"Edward, calm down. Yes I am sure. I have a very reliable source who has confirmed her death."

"But how?" He asked.

"I'm not sure. All he said was that Victoria was dead and that he would tell me the details when I get home." I confessed.

"He? Jasper killed Victoria? Is Bella, okay?" The truth was I didn't know. Jasper was keeping his secrets for now, but I didn't dare tell Edward that just yet.

"I don't know Edward, but yes Bella is fine and she is alive." I was beyond ready to get home to Jasper. And it was time for Edward to come with me.

"So now, with no threats hanging over Bella's life, you have no reason to stay out here. I know I can't convince you to go back to her just yet, so come with me Edward. Come home with me. Please. Things in California are worse than when you left and our family needs you. Esme needs you." I knew using mom as a begging tool was a low blow, but I also knew it would help get Edward home. Although I was starting to think I wouldn't have to beg after all. Convincing him shouldn't be too hard now.

I waited as Edward thought about my plea. Then suddenly, he jumped down from the branch and extended a hand towards me. The effort was in vain and laughable seeing as how his arm didn't come anywhere near reaching me and it wasn't like I needed it anyways. Though, it was so Edward. His voice ripped me from me internal laughter. "Okay Alice. You're right. I'm doing no good way out here and I need to fix what I've broken. So let's go home."

I jumped down and landed right next to him before I grabbed his neck and cloaked him into a massive hug. "Oh, Edward, thank you. We've all missed you so much and I promise as soon as we put our family back together we will find a way to help you return to Bella." This was one promise I intended to see through because I still missed Bella too.

"Okay Alice, but please let's take it one step at a time. I want nothing more than to go back to her, but I need to sort some things out first. We can start by getting you home to Jasper before you spontaneously combust." Edwards joking was confirmation that he was going to be ok. The pain was still there, but the prospect that he would once again be with Bella was doing wonders on his soul. I was so glad to have my brother back and I couldn't wait until my entire family was once again reunited.

I nodded my head at Edward's statement and turned to begin the journey back north towards California and home, when I remembered one important detail. So I turned to look over my shoulder at Edward and said, "Oh and by the way, Edward, you owe me a new pair of Jimmy Choo's for making me chase you across the country and then climb that tree. Jerk." And with that I left him laughing in my dust.

* * *

**UPDATE: I just wanted to let you know that you guys are awesome with the messages and reviews! Also I want to get chapters out to you as fast as possible and I realize that would be ALOT easier if I had a beta! So if you know of anyone who wants to betaread please, please send them my way! That would be a huge help! Thanks. You rock! : ) OhandP.S. The reunion is coming soon...GET EXCITED!**


	6. Home

**A/N: So here it is. Bella has returned to the Cullens. Read it. Review it. Let me know what you think. Hate it? Love it? Let me know. B.T.W I'm still looking for a new BETA!! And as always I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT. All rights belong to Stephanie Meyer. :)**

* * *

It seemed the closer Jasper and I got to the Cullen house the more I was losing my nerve. I wanted this of that I was sure, but could I survive it? What if they didn't want me? I already knew he didn't want me, but would his family turn me away too? It seemed all my determination was slowly slipping away. Jasper was doing his best to help me fight all my conflicting emotions and I could tell it was starting to take a toll on him.

I was suddenly ashamed of the pain I was causing him. Why can't I control it? I pulled my knees to my chest before I finally broke the silence that lingered between us. "I'm sorry."

When he turned to look at me I noticed his mouth had turned into a hard line and his face—a scowl—as he pierced me with his eyes. "Don't you dare apologize to me or to anyone else for how you feel. Ever. You have every right to be this…confused. But please don't worry." He pleaded. Jasper's face relaxed and he turned back towards the road as he continued. "I have a feeling things are going to turn out much better than you are expecting. And I'm an expert when it comes to feelings." He gloated.

Expert? hmph. Didn't he not understand how it hurt me to see him—my brother, hurting? "You're the only family I have now and I just don't want to hurt you Jazz." It was the simple truth. I never wanted to hurt him and after everything he'd done for me in the past couple days he didn't deserve to suffer with me like this. I wanted to protect him from this. I was going to protect him from this, I decided.

His head suddenly whipped around to look at me again with a look of sheer horror across his face. "Bella, what did you do? What is that?"

Shocked by the tone of his voice I cowered back into my seat and away from him. When he realized the effects of his actions, he faintly relaxed. "I'm sorry, Bella. I didn't mean to frighten you. It's just you—your emotions—I can't feel them anymore. It's like no one is there and to be honest with you it's sort of freaking me out."

What? He couldn't feel my emotions anymore? What does that mean? Is this the vampire way of shutting down? Have I somehow over-exerted my brain with all these thoughts and emotions? And now I couldn't handle it anymore—literally? "I—I don't know. But you're scaring me. What's this mean?"

"I don't know Bella. But I have a theory." Ok, what is it? I screamed at him in my head. I needed to know what was happening to me. Jasper must have sensed the intrigue and anxiety on my face. "Mm. Bella, I think it best we talk to Carlisle first, but if I'm right I believe we may have found your gift."

Jasper thought I had gift and I thought he was crazy, even if I preferred that idea to the one of me shutting down. And although I would be grateful for the ability to hide my emotions I wasn't sure how it could be considered a gift.

Quickly jasper changed the subject. He could see I had many questions, questions only Carlisle could answer. So I'd have to wait. "Speaking of Carlisle, we're almost home. You ready for this?" He asked.

Home. It sounded so good to once again have a home. Granted I'd only spent four days homeless, three of which was during my change, but still the thought of a home with the Cullen's brought joy to my heart. My head screamed at me, telling me not to get my hopes up, that just because Jasper accepted me didn't mean the rest of them would. It was once again battling my heart. My heart longed for my family back and my head longed for my survival, but I knew without a doubt that with them in my life I would survive. So I would take this chance. My future, my happiness depended on it. I was sure even if I only saw them for a short while that would be enough to replace the sorrow that had taken refuge in my heart. I almost felt selfish for going to them, knowing how Edward didn't want me, knowing the awkward position that would put them in, but I needed this—needed them and Jasper said they needed me too. So, I pushed my guilt aside, for now.

"I don't know. Don't get me wrong, I am so ready to see them again, but I'm scared. What if they don't want me? I don't want anyone to be forced to choose between Edward and I. Edward was with you first and I know how he needs you all, but the fact remains so do I. And that scares me."

Jasper sent a reassuring wave my direction and I instantly relaxed. "Hm. That's interesting." He spoke softly, so I almost missed it. I wasn't sure what he was referring to, but at the moment I was too relaxed to care. "Bell, don't worry so much. It's all going to be fine. Trust me." He assured me. With a new sense of calm I lost myself in my thoughts as we entered the outskirts of Alturas, which I knew meant we were moments from my new life—alone or with a family.

I took slow death breaths to calm a heart rate that was no longer there. It seemed sometimes I forgot I was a vampire; my current reality seemed far too much like a dream. And I feared I would wake up at any moment to find I was actually dead. And if I was dead it wasn't so much that death part that scared me, but more that I would never get to see Edward again. Even if he didn't love me, I would give practically anything to see that smile I loved so much, the one that touched his eyes.

With a new wave of confidence, I was reminded that jasper was still sitting next to me. I shot him a slight smile and then I noticed our surroundings. We were sitting in a circular driveway in front of the most magnificent house I'd ever seen. The exterior of the house was laid with a blend of brick and stone accented by cedar columns. The front yard was adorned with beautiful foliage, no doubt Esme's doing, and there was acreage, as far as the eye could see, clearly marked by scattered trees. There was no doubt this was a Cullen house, but it was different at the same time. The outside was more vibrant—almost inviting, like the inhabitants were waiting for something. Maybe it was new vampire eye sight, but I would have sworn this house was almost twice as large as the house in Forks, as well.

Once I'd gotten over the external beauty of the house, Jasper let me emotionally prepare myself and after a few minutes I knew I was ready. I couldn't wait any longer to see them. I had to get this over with. I had to know my future. I was sure even if no one was home, I would be happy to bathe myself in their fresh scents. I looked at jasper and said, "Okay, I'm ready. It's now or never."

Jasper leaned toward me and placed his hand on my own as an act of encouragement. I knew this was Jaspers way of telling me he was there for me if I needed him. "Come on Sis. Let's go surprise our family."

Just as we made our way up the rock pathway to the front door Jasper sent me another wave of confidence knowing I needed it. He opened the door and as if he was only speaking to me, softly spoke her name, "Esme." I cowered behind him like a little child hiding from her parents, knowing it was mere seconds until I saw her again. Abruptly, she appeared before us in the opposite doorway of the foyer we currently stood in.

"Jasper?" She crossed the room towards us. When she reached Jasper she put hands on either side of his face. She let out a huge sigh of relief. "Oh my son. You're home. I was afraid you had left us forever." She whimpered and he placed his hands atop hers.

"Oh, mom. You know I could never do that. I just needed to sort some things out on my own for awhile. But I'm back now and I'm never leaving again." The love that surged between them was unmistakable.

My new vampire abilities allowed me to keep perfectly silent and still during their reunion, like a ghost in the room. "Oh Jasper thank you." she cried, but not before enclosing him in a hug. I watched as she held her adopted son and for all the love between them I would have sworn it was her blood that ran through his dry veins. I noticed her eyes were closed as she savored this reunion with him. She opened them for a millisecond as she drank in his scent. It was like she had to confirm he was real, that he had in fact come back to her. Immediately her eyes flashed back open and she gaped at me. "Who's thi—" she began, before she cut herself off. She swiftly scooted herself around Jasper to get a better look at me.

"Bella? Bella is that you?" She questioned.

I forced a smile. I didn't want her to know the nervousness that was currently churning in my stomach and the fear that ran through my veins. I didn't want her to see my immediate need for her—like a daughter for her mother. Why hadn't I thought about what I was going to say before this moment? Such a complex vampire brain and I was at a loss for the right words? Go figure. Nonchalant. Right I just needed to be nonchalant. So I said the only thing I could think of at the moment.

"Hello Esme." It may have been plain and simple, but that was all she needed to hear for her to pull me into her arms.

"Oh child, my child. I've missed you. I thought I'd lost you." She cried.

I knew jasper had stepped out the room to give us our privacy as we reunited, but I didn't care who saw. The love that surrounded me was astounding. I felt it envelope me and for the first time since we left forks I felt myself outwardly relax. I hadn't realized I was holding my breath until the air escaped my lungs as I wrapped my arms around her petite body. I realized I loved Esme as much as I loved Renee. I had always viewed her as my mother, but it was different then it was with Renee. I didn't have to take care of her—she took care of me. As we stood there and I comprehended the depth of my connection with her I was reminded that a midst it all she still turned her back on me without a word. Just as the silent sobs and dry tears threaten to engulf my entire being I managed to whimper out the words that hurt the most. "You left me."

I was still hurt that she so willingly left me, but being in her embrace, surrounded by her love, I couldn't find it in myself to be angry with her. I knew my words had cut her because she began to sob with me. Minutes past before she was able to look at me again. But when she did what I saw made my heart melt. Her love was indestructible —there was no altering it. I could see the pain that still lingered from Edwards's decision—it was written all over her face.

"Yes, child, I did leave you, regrettably so. As I'm sure Jasper has already told you it was not my decision to make, but that doesn't mean I didn't fight for you. Isabella, you are and always will be a daughter to me. I wanted to stay, believe me. Part of my soul died when we left you and didn't reignite until you walked through that door today. I have missed you and I pray you can forgive me for the egregious error in judgment I made when I succumbed to Edward's request—when I left you. It was incredibly difficult for me to do—but I did it for him, because he is my son. I beg of you to understand. Please my child." She implored, her voice beginning to crack.

I knew she was being honest; I could see it in her eyes and I couldn't bear to see Esme in pain. It broke my heart. As much as it hurt I understood why she had to leave and she needed to know that. "Oh, Esme. I understand and I would never ask you to desert him. Whether he is to admit it or not, he needs you and I could never take you from him. Though, I have missed you terribly." My words brought light back to her eyes. And for a moment I reflected on what Jasper had told me earlier. Maybe he was telling me the truth. Maybe they did love me. And maybe, just maybe, they needed me too.

"So you forgive me?" She asked.

"Of course, I forgive you."

"Oh thank you Bella. I hope that you plan on staying with us, yes?" Her eyes pleaded with me, as if I really needed convincing.

"If you'll have me." I happily conceded. At that moment I knew how much I needed her I only hoped she knew it too.

"Always, my child. Always." She smiled at me as she began to accept the fact that in a matter of mere moments she had gotten two of her children back. I had a feeling she wasn't going to let us leave without a fight either, but I had no plans to lose her again. I felt more joy in that moment than I had since before my birthday. And as I predicted my cold heart was melting. Knowing our private moment was over I noticed as Jasper returned to the room.

"Mom, are you here alone?" He questioned from the doorway.

Solemnly she replied, "Yes. Emmett and Rosalie have been gone for some time and Carlisle is still at the hospital, I'm afraid."

"Hm. Yes, Alice didn't mention that." He said as he made his way towards us.

Noticing the contemplation on Jasper's face and the guilt seeping from him, Esme continued. "And I'm afraid he may not come home until Ed…"

She quickly glanced at me and back towards Jasper. Why? I wasn't positive, but I was willing to bet it had something to do with Edward because Jasper had been giving me the same looks ever since I ran into him in Forks. I had a nagging impression that they were keeping something from me, but before I had a chance to ask she began speaking once again,

"…Until he's ready. But you know I think we may have just the reason to bring your father home now. Let me phone him and let him know of our new developments. Bella, dear if you'll excuse me. Please make yourself at home. After all this is your home too." And with that she left the room leaving Jasper and I alone, once more.

Without realizing what I was doing, I began making my way towards the family room. I could feel Jasper closely following as he casually leaned towards me and lightheartedly said, "Told you so. What did I say? Our home is your home. See, all that worrying for nothing. Was I right or was I right little sis?" Jasper was clearly thrilled that he was right and couldn't wait for me to admit it. It only proved to him that everything was going to work out in the end. I wasn't as sure, but I was growing more hopeful by the second. I rolled my eyes at him as I sat down.

"You were right." I feigned annoyance with jasper, but secretly I was overjoyed to be so openly accepted back into some of the Cullen's lives. I was enthralled with the current mood and the playful banter Jasper and I exchanged, secretly I hoped it would always be this way. Even with just two Cullen's in my life, it was already better than before.

"So now you're going to trust what I say right? Because I got your back, sister." He teased as he sat down beside me. I openly laughed at his comment and then pretended to be exasperated with his uncanny ability to be right.

"Yeah, I guess so." Though, I knew my face was betraying my current emotions, but I didn't care. Edward always said I was a bad actress. I was use to the treachery by now.

My wounds were slowly healing up with the addition of each person to my life. I only hoped that I would get the same reception from the rest of the family, and something told me it wouldn't be long now until I found out.

Esme ascended the staircase and appeared before us, delight written all over her face. "Your father is on his way home as we speak and Rose and Emmett should be arriving shortly, thereafter."

The nerves began to build up in me once more. It seemed they wouldn't go away until after all of the Cullen's had returned home. I was nervous to see each one of them, even Rosalie and she hated me.

Jasper leaned towards me and silently scolded, "Bella. What did we talk about? Nothing to worry about, remember?"

I hoped Esme hadn't heard our secret conversation and if she had she didn't make note of it, which I was grateful for. I nodded my head at Jasper and tried to think of peaceful things in an effort to calm myself, but the only thing I could think of was the Cullen's and the conversation I was without a doubt going to have with them soon. Inevitably they would want to know how I came to be like them. I had only told that story once—to Jasper—and even then I only got through it because he was there to help with the pain. I prayed Jasper would be by my side this time, as well. My thoughts were doing nothing to help my current emotional state. Pleadingly I looked to Jasper who shot me a wave of comfort. How I ever lived without him, I wasn't sure and I was certainly glad I had him now.

Esme slowly made her way towards us and sat adjacent to us in a wooden rocking chair. Not really sure what to say, I decided to broach a not so tender topic. "Esme, you have a magnificent home. It looks so different from the one in forks, yet still the same." I pondered.

"Thank you, dear. I like to think all of our homes have the same "Cullen" qualities to them, but you're right they are so vastly different from one another. Each home, each room is designed to reflect each member of our family." That makes sense that she would design the rooms after her family. I could only imagine what an entire house reminiscent of Edward would look and feel like. I knew instantly that was the place I'd want to be. That would be the place for me. It—he—would always feel like home. And no matter how hard I tried I could never escape that fact.

She continued. "I would love to show you what I mean Bella, but I'm sure Alice will want to give you the official tour herself when she returns. Of course, if you prefer we can see it now." Alice. My heart fluttered at the thought of reuniting with my best friend, but how I would feel when I saw her again, I wondered. Out of all the Cullen's it was her and Edward I missed most and it had been her and Edward who had hurt me most. Part of me feared that no matter how much I wanted and needed them that forgiveness would not come easily, if they even wanted it at all.

With thoughts of Edward and Alice lurking in my head, I knew I needed to find a way to restrain my emotions before I saw them once more. I knew if I didn't get myself under control I'd never be able to handle that reunion.

"No, I can wait. Actually, I think I'm going take a short hunting trip. It has been a while since I've fed." I began grasping at my throat for added effect.

"Ok, dear. Would you like some company?" She asked, enthusiastically. I hated to upset her but I needed time alone.

"If you don't mind I think I need some time to prepare myself. I hope you understand."

"Of course. Another time, then." I stood up and said my goodbyes to Esme and then turned towards the door to leave. Just as I made it outside I realized Jasper was waiting for me.

"Jasper?"

"Bella. Please be safe. Ed…The family will kill me if something happens to you. Are you sure I can't come with you?" I didn't understand why Jasper was so worried about me. Didn't he understand that I was a vampire and I didn't need protection anymore? I was grateful for the emotional stability he provided, but this was absurd.

"Jasper, you and I both know I need to do this. Please, take your own advice and quit worrying. I'm a vampire, remember? I'll be fine and I'll talk to you when I get back."

"Bella, here take me phone, please. Just in case." He implored.

"Fine. And jasper—thanks. The worrying is unnecessary, but still it's kind of nice."

With his phone in hand I ran letting my instincts take over. My sense of direction was uncanny and almost instantly I found myself in the midst of a dense forest that smelled absolutely mouthwatering. I slowed my pace down to a walk and searched out some prey. It had only been a little over 24 hours since my last meal so the burn in the back of my throat wasn't raging, but I was aching for a release.

Reuniting with Esme had taken a toll on my emotions, so I could only imagine what they would be like when all the Cullen's returned. Don't get me wrong I was elated for the chance to have them back, but the road to them was paved with heartache, loss, and pain and unfortunately I would have to walk that road again before I could ever reach happiness. It was still the early hours of the morning and I could smell the dew that had settled on the tree branches. The smell of the forest was different than forks; it was much less musky. I figured the wolves had something to do with that.

I spent the next couple of hours enamored in the thrill of the hunt. It seemed if anything calmed my nerves it was hunting. Who'd have thought I'd be so good at these animalistic instincts. I laughed to myself. Once I'd had my fill, I walked through the park watching the animals scatter at the mere sight of me. I found my way to a small stream and had the sudden urge to attempt jumping across it. "I'm up for a challenge." I told myself. "Anything to distract myself from what is waiting for me back in Alturas."

So, I walked back about 150 yards, turned around and began running towards it. I got as close as I could and leapt. It was like I was running through the air, but more than that I was floating, flying—it was exhilarating. I landed crouched on the ground. I quickly stood up and appraised my success. No broken bones, no blood, not even a scratch. I was good at something now. Maybe I was meant to be a vampire after all. I was already so much better at this than I ever was at being human.

As I turned back around I caught a quick glance of myself in the stream. There was a beautiful creature staring back at me, her skin pale as snow, her bone structure perfect, her flaws none, but what caught me off guard were the most bloodcurdling ruby red eyes to ever pierce my soul. The sight was enough to throw me back onto the ground. I placed my head in my hands and began to violently sob. I didn't dare look back at the fiend in my reflection. I couldn't. It was proof enough that I was a monster. How could anyone look at those eyes and think I was anything but? And now I was doomed to be this monster for all eternity. I was kidding myself. No one would ever want this monster, especially not Edward. I'd never want him to see me like this. And so, I resolved he wouldn't. I couldn't go back to the Cullen's—not while I was a monster. I was just about to turn and run when I heard the leaves ruffle across the stream. Someone was here and they wanted me to know it.

In defense I jumped into a crouch and began to quietly growl. The monster in me was trying to creep out and take control.

"I know you are there. Show your face." I bellowed.

And out walked Emmett.

"Bella?"

"Bella, It's me, Emmett. Bella, I'm not going to hurt you. I just want to talk."

With every word he spoke he took slow calculated steps towards me and I could feel the monster roaring inside. She wanted to attack Emmett. But my conscious fought back. This was Emmett, my brother, not someone wanting to hurt me. Out of the corner of my eye I once again caught a glimpse of my reflection. Only this time my eyes were jet black. They were longing. They were hungry. But, I didn't want to hurt Emmett; I wanted to protect him. I needed to protect him. I needed to protect everyone from the monster that roared within me. As if my decision to leave hadn't already been made, this only solidified it. Edward could never love this monster. He could never love me. What was I thinking? My eyes suddenly softened and I fell to the ground. The battle that raged within me was over. I had beaten the monster down, for now.

Instantly I realized Emmett was kneeling before me as sobs began to shake through me once more. He pulled me into his arms and I melted into his embrace.

"Bella, what happened? What was that? You looked like you wanted to rip me from limb to limb. I've never seen you look so threatening, so scary."

"I saw them Emmett." I sniveled. Emmett began frantically looking around for what he assumed I saw and as the realization hit me, I shook my head.

"The eyes, Emmett. I'm a monster. I don't want this anymore. I want to go home. I want Charlie and Renee and Ed…Oh Emmett please let me go home. I can't do this. No one can love this. No one will ever love this." His eyes held the vast look of shock and fear as they beamed at me.

"Shhh. Bella, it's okay. You're over reacting. We are all born with the eyes, but they'll fade with time. I promise."

The sobbing slowed, "Fade?" He nodded his head.

"And by the way, you're wrong." I looked up at him questionably. "Well for one you're not a monster; you, Bella Swan, could never be a monster. And for two you are loved. In fact I know six vampires who are waiting for us back at the house, who love you, apparently more than you realize. "

"Emm, I can't go back there." He raised an eyebrow at me as it daring me to call myself a monster again. "Fine, putting the whole vampire eyes thing aside, how can I go back, after I almost attacked you? Plus, I think the whole love thing is still debatable. "

"I shouldn't have snuck up on you like that. Your reflexes are instinctual, Bella, but you will learn to control them. I will help you, if you want. So, no harm, No foul." He then flashed a full-toothy grin at me. Emmett, my lovable teddy bear of a brother, was so quick to forgive. And I was starting to doubt whether I could really leave or not. But right now I didn't want to think about that. I wasn't ready to make a move to leave, much less return to the house to face the others. I was quite content in Emmett's arms for the moment.

"Emmett what are doing here anyways?" I asked, while sitting up.

"Looking for you, of course. I was tired of waiting on you to return. I had to come see the new and improved—more durable, Bella for myself. I didn't believe Jasper when he said you were really here." I chuckled. That was so like Emmett.

"Well here I am." I giggled. I spread my arms out wide as if inviting him in.

"And I'm so glad you are bells." Emmett reached around and as if I had maneuvered out of his arms pulled me back into his clutches. He masqueraded his scheme by wrapping his arms around me, but I knew this was more than a hug—he was afraid I was going to run away. I knew there was something on his mind, a reason for this fear—it was written all over his face. There was something he wanted to say, but was obviously afraid of my reaction.

"Emmett, please just say whatever you're thinking. I can't stand that look on your face it's depressing. "

"Bells, I understand why you think we don't love you, but what about Esme and Jasper? Are you just going to leave them? And what about the rest of us, don't we get our chance to apologize and make it up to you too?" Emmett gave me a few minutes to contemplate his words and the more I thought about it, the more I remembered Jasper's.

"_We need you just as much as you need us." He told me._

And if that was true, which it had been so far, how could I turn my back on them? Didn't they deserve a chance, at least to apologize, if they so chose? And really, who was I kidding? How would I survive without them? One by one they had been coming back to me and even when Edward didn't—which I knew he wouldn't—I'd still have them. They would be there to help me through this all. It was true; I did need them. And suddenly, I wasn't so worried about Edward after all. Did this change how much his rejection would hurt me? Of course not, but I knew at least with his family by my side I'd survive. I'd be in pain, but I'd survive. Emmett, noting my deliberation, ripped me from my thoughts with more of his own.

"Bells, I talked to Jasper. He didn't tell me how you became—like this, but he did tell me about the pain, about how much you're hurting." Jasper told him? He promised me he wouldn't tell. Why would he betray me like that? I wondered.

"Please don't be mad at him for telling me. I practically forced it out of him. I just couldn't believe you were actually here, back in our lives. I had to know how you were, what our leaving did to you. I've been worried sick about you Bells. You were—are my sister and I love you." Emmett's words were honest—that was easy to tell, which made it easier to see why jasper told him. He was hurting at the loss of me, just as I hurt at the loss of him. I couldn't be angry with either one of them. It seemed at every turn Jasper was proving to not only be right, but the best ally I had. He seemed to know what would help me heal most and I was grateful for it, for him, and for the family he was bringing back to me.

"Geez, Em, I didn't know you could be so serious." I joked. "I missed you too, you know? You're my brother and you left me. It hurt. But can we just leave it at that, for now? I know you want to hear my story, but you're going to have to wait for your family because I'm only telling it once. I can't live through it more than that."

"Ok Bells. But I want you to know how sorry I am and that I'm always going to have your back. You say the word and I'll take out any creature that threatens you, even if it's Edward—no especially if it's Edward." I laughed. Emmett was always one for a fight, especially if it was with his brothers.

"Thanks Emm. I'll remember that. But your first brotherly duty can be racing me home." I knew this would get Emmett going...someone new to compete with.

We both stood up and took our stances next to each other. "On your mark." I competitively eyed him. "Get set." I pushed him down and took off. "Go." Having the head start I beat Emmett back to the house by a whole 3 minutes, but no one ever said I had to play fair.

As I stood at the edge of the Cullen property, I watched as a gold Lexus LFA hastily pulled into the driveway. Instantly I knew it was Alice and Edward. I stayed hidden within the trees as I watched the car near the house. I was suddenly grateful for the tinted windows, which meant I didn't have to see their faces, just yet, even if they could already see me. I knew the house and property was basked with my scent by now and I instantly wondered why none of the family knew I was hiding here. They—Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie, and Jasper—had all gathered on the porch for the arrival of the final two family members. My attention was averted as suddenly the car slammed on its brakes and the passenger side door was ripped off the hinges. Edward came flying out of the car and aimed straight for the family on the porch. Instantly I realized he was headed straight for Jasper.

* * *

**A/N: Hope you enjoyed it; it was definitely one of the harder ones to write. Still on the hunt for a BETA...**


	7. I Was Broken

**A/N: Thanks to 5 inches of snow and ice--hence being stuck inside for a couple days--here is chapter 7 for you! Hope you enjoy it as much as I do. And incase you're not keeping track only 150 days until Eclipse premi****eres! **Don't make me blue; please review. : ))

****All royalties belong to Stephanie Meyer. Sadly, I own none of it. :/ But if I'm lucky maybe one day she'll give me Jasper. Not the rights to him, just him. : )**

* * *

Edward looked more like a vampire in that moment than ever before. The deep topaz eyes I loved so much were now a bottomless onyx. His perfectly sculpted face now held anger lines and the protective stance he always held was now one of attack. I could see the monster within slowly breaking the surface and yet I couldn't break my eyes away from the beautiful vampire before me.

I could never see Edward as the soulless monster he believed himself to be before this moment and yet even now as I watched him unleash the monster within I still believed, with a doubt, that he had a soul. However, it wasn't until my heart stopped beating that I began to truly understand the battle he fought every time he was near me—the battle to keep the vampire at bay—the one that yearned for human blood—the one that didn't care about relationships or family—the one that lived for the hunt and the fight.

As I stood there, frozen in time, I began to wonder, "What would cause Edward to so easily give over to the monster that he always tirelessly worked to keep at bay?" I didn't need to be an empath to feel the anger emanating off of him. It was palpable and part of me questioned why Jasper wasn't trying to calm him down.

I watched as Edward continued his pursuit of Jasper. I felt the urge to go after him, to protect Jasper, but that urge was overpowered by another one—to protect myself. It wasn't Edward's fight that I feared, but more the words he would spit at me if I intervened. After all, I knew what the one thing was that would trigger Edward's attack of his family. Me. I was here, with them, and he knew it. And evidently, he wasn't too happy about it. I was stupid to think he wouldn't recognize my presence until I stood before him, but still his actions were uncalled for. Did he hate me so much that he felt compelled to hurt his own family because of it? Part of me was afraid of just that and wanted to rip him to pieces for it—for attempting to hurt the only people I had left in this world. The other part of me wanted to run to him and help him detain the monster once more—to remind him of who he really was.

But I stood restrained by an aura of tranquility as I turned to watch Jasper jump over the porch railing and onto the cement, closer to Edward's imminent attack. My sudden restraint brought on a new wave of comprehension as I recognized my current disposition as a result of Jasper's techniques of warfare. My eyes whipped back towards Edward once more, as I observed that the same emotions that were bubbling over in me were having no effect on him, but to hasten his pursuit of Jasper. But Jasper continued to shoot waves of calm at Edward—each one growing in strength and each one having no more consequence than the last.

The latest surge was enough for my vampire legs to give way and for me to fall to the forest ground. I sat there still focused on the impending fight yards ahead of me as Edward crashed into Jasper and nearly knocked the porch out from under the watchful eyes of his family. Instantly, Jasper sprang up and was on the other side of Edward waiting in a menacing crouch. Edward snarled at Jasper before launching himself at his brother once again. This time Jasper quickly moved out of the way before Edward could reach him. I could tell Edward was unfamiliar with Jasper's fighting techniques and couldn't get a handle on him even if he could read his mind.

As I wondered why no one was trying to halt the brawl that ensued before us, I quickly glanced towards the awaiting family of the two vampires. Rosalie was smug as if she expected this and yet was somewhat glad Emmett wasn't here to join in. Alice, who still sat in the driver's seat of the now door less Lexus, showed no mask of horror or contentment, as one might expect. Her face was blank and her eyes glazed over. The same face she adorned anytime she incessantly watched the future. She was scrutinizing the effects of every move made trying to protect both her brother and her mate.

With each new advance the vampires made toward each other I saw Carlisle visibly shudder as he contemplated every possible outcome for his sons. I could tell he feared for their lives—afraid that they wouldn't stop until one of them was in pieces. But out of them all, Esme's face was worst. She wore a mask of horror as she pleaded with them to stop.

"Edward…"

"Jasper..."

"Please..."

"Remember who you are..."

But for all the good the pleading and begging did, both vampires continued their advances of each other. I continued to watch the two vampires leap and bound for each other as Emmett appeared next to me.

"Bella. What's going on?"

"It's Edward. He's after Jasper."

I relayed the scene I had witnessed to Emmett as understanding swept through him.

"It's because of me, because I'm here. Edwards irate. He hates me."

The undeniable logic that swirled through my head brought on a new wave of comprehension and with it self-assurance. I knew if no one intervened the fight would end badly for someone I loved. And I couldn't have that. I wasn't going to allow my brother to become injured because he was protecting me and I wasn't going to let the man I loved get wounded because of some asinine notion that he could control everyone around him. No matter how much I loved Edward his actions were unwarranted and I was going to make him see. I was going to make stop—even if it meant I had to fight him myself, which I was positive my family would never let happen.

"Bella…" He began, but I cut him off before he could argue with my logic.

"No Emmett. He wouldn't do this unless he truly hated me. But right now I don't care about that. Jasper is my brother, my family and you guys are all I have left. No matter how I feel for Edward, I refuse to let him hurt you like this. This is going to end right now. And it looks like I have to be the one to end it."

With a new sense of determination—which I knew was my own and not of Jasper's doing—I stood up and began to make my way away from the quiet echo of the forest and towards the thunderous collision that was transpiring in the driveway.

"Whoa, Bella. I've never seen you so assertive. It's kinda hot." Only Emmett could make a joke at a time like this. I turned to look at him as I spoke with clear confidence.

"Shut up Emmett. Now are you coming to watch me knock some sense into your dim-witted brother or not?" He laughed as he let me lead the way back to the family.

"Yeah, I wouldn't miss this for the world. I can't believe you're not going to let me join in on the fun, though. It's just plain mean making me watch a fight I can't take part in. So wrong."

I ignored his attempt at feigned dejection and continued towards the fight. Just as we were within yards of the house our presence was detected by the observant family. All at once their heads whipped in the direction of Emmett and me. It wasn't until then that I realized Alice had joined her family on the porch and was complaining about not being able to see. Fear was laced throughout her expression.

"Oh Bella, You're back."

"My daughter."

"Bella? You're really here?"

"Look at what you've done."

They made no movement towards me as they spoke. Something kept them frozen on the porch, whether it was fear or apprehension, I wasn't sure. But I was glad they didn't make a move for me. I was on a mission and I needed all my concentration focused on that.

"Yes, Rosalie. I know what I've done. And that is why I'm here to fix it. I'm not going to let Edwards's foolishness hurt your brother or your family."

"Bella. They're both experienced fighters. Please be careful." Esme urged. I knew she didn't try to hinder my determination because she too understood that I was the only one who could end this peacefully. But still the fear she possessed for me was clearly visible through her body language.

I nodded my head and continued towards the ensuing fight under the alert eyes of my family. As I reached the driveway, I slowed and cautiously made me way towards the two precarious vampires—neither of which made any attempt to look at me.

"Edward. Stop."

Instantly Edward's head snapped up and he looked right at me. The face he wore flickered between confusion, elation, and shame. Not understanding where these emotions came from, I simply ignored them and watched as Jasper lunged at him effortlessly pinning him to the ground. As Edward lay restrained, he wasn't thrashing or snarling or making any effort to free himself from Jaspers clutches. For someone who stalwartly fought for victory just a few seconds before, his defeat bewildered me. Why he gave up at the simple resonance of my voice was beyond me, but still I was elated the fight was over.

Jasper strattled Edward on the ground—effectively pinning his legs down and holding his arms above his head, shooting him continuous surges of calm. But still Edward made no move to fight. The Cullen's stayed firmly rooted on the porch leaving the three of us in our own private world. From the ground his eyes were fixed on me as he spoke his first words to me since that fateful day in the forest.

"Bella."

It broke my heart to hear the pain bound in his voice and as baffling as it was, I couldn't concentrate on that yet. I knew if I let myself concentrate on Edward and my feelings for him I wouldn't make it through this. I needed Edward to believe I didn't love him anymore. He needed to believe I had let him go. I was sure that was the only way he'd be reasonable about me staying here, with the Cullens.

"Yes, Edward. It's me. I'm here. But please don't think for a moment that my being here has anything to do with you. I'm here because they need me and because I need them."

Edward inwardly grimaced as he absorbed my every word. I hastily looked to Jasper and from the look on his face I knew my emotions where showcasing my words as lies, but I trusted him to keep that disclosure out of his head and to himself.

"So, Edward I would appreciate it if you quit trying to attack my brother. Now, if you promise to be a good little vampire Jasper will let you up." He nodded his head and I looked to Jasper and with a slight bob of my head Jasper released Edward's arms first, followed soon by his legs. Jasper then stood up before helping his brother—whose eyes were still fixed on me—to his feet. Jasper reassured me by taking stance next to me.

Instantly, we were bombarded by the thankful arms of our family. Some members like Carlisle and Esme went straight to their first born, whom I gathered they hadn't seen or heard from in months. Others, like Alice and Emmett, headed towards Jasper and I. And yet one vampire remained back from the crowd of well-wishers—Rosalie. Whether it was out of anger for the stupidity of her brother or the fact that I was here I didn't know, but I was almost glad I didn't have to sort out her hatred of me just yet.

"I'm impressed, Bella. I didn't know you had it in you. You are a feisty one." Emmett snickered as he easily picked me and swirled me around, followed by quiet snarls from Rosalie.

"Thanks Emm. Now will you please put me down?"

I took a step back from the crowd of vampires to better grasp the happiness that my family exuded and found myself overcome by their joy. It felt right—to see them smile again, to be in each other's embrace. They emitted the qualities of a real family, which made me wonder how anyone could ever allege they were anything but. I also contemplated how they, themselves, could question their own possession of a soul. I was baffled by how clearly they saw each other and yet how muddled their opinions of themselves were.

Whether I truly had any part in their happiness was indefinite to me, but they were happy nonetheless and that made me content. I needed them to be happy, but more than that I needed to see them happy. The desire to keep them like this was overwhelming my soul. I knew that even though I could never have Edward, I would always have them and that was enough to sustain me, for now.

Once Alice had berated her brother for his attack and was thoroughly convinced Jasper was alright she somberly turned to face me. I could tell there were things she wanted to say to me, but I knew there were things I needed her to know first—things the whole family needed to know.

"Bella."

I saw the longing in her eyes—the same longing I felt in my heart. She was my best friend and I missed her—but she needed to know how she hurt me. As much as I hated hurting her, she needed to see the ramifications of her actions.

"I'm sorry, Alice. I can't, not yet."

The entire family was stunned by my denial of Alice and thus turned to look at me. I knew they all wondered how I could easily accept Jasper, Emmett, even Esme back into my life and not Alice. But this was different—she was different. She hurt me almost as much as Edward and while it was true I needed her, I'd had enough time to cope with my loss and accept my new life and family that I didn't need her as much as I had a few days before, not even as much as I needed her earlier today. Had I seen her before now there was no doubt I would have accepted her instantly. It's cliché to say, but timing is everything. And this timing couldn't be worse. So for now we would both have to wait for forgiveness.

I strode past her making sure not to look at her—knowing I couldn't handle the dejection in her eyes. I knew my words had cut her when she didn't move—she simply stood—I imagine she never looked more like a statue than in that instant. As Jasper strode by me to cope with the strife I caused in his wife I mouthed the words "I'm sorry" to him. I saw him quickly nod his head that he understood as he passed me to reach her. The shame I felt for causing her unnecessary pain was crushing. We both knew I'd forgive her. But I also knew there were some things I needed to do first.

I stopped in front of the family whose eyes were still glued on me and spoke clearly with as much conviction as I could muster. I knew who the decision maker of this family was so even though my words were directed at them all I looked directly at Carlisle as I spoke.

"I know there are things you all want to say to me and questions you inevitably have for me, but I ask that you first let me say what I need to and for that I think it best we go inside, if it's ok with you."

"Of course Bella. The house will allow much more privacy and comfort. Let us retreat inside." He said as he led the way into the house and towards the living room.

As I made my way inside the house I stood back as the family took their seats. Esme proceeded into the room with her arm around Edward. From her hold on him, I could tell she was afraid to let go—afraid he would leave her again. She advanced to the back of the room near the deck doors and sat on the suede sectional couch facing me. She pulled Edward down next to her—on her other side sat Carlisle. From where they sat I realized Edward didn't have to directly look at me, unless he chose to. It would make it easier for him to be here, I gathered. Emmett sat in one of the wooden rocking chairs, positioned directly across from me, adjacent to where Carlisle, Esme and Edward sat, with Rosalie in his lap, a sneer painted on her face.

Jasper and Alice entered the room last. Jasper sat on the part of the sectional closest to where I was standing and lovingly pulled Alice into him. She now sat in between her favorite brother and her husband. I was grateful for Jasper's proximity, but was afraid he wouldn't be of much help as I recounted my past due to the toll Alice's emotions were currently taking on him. I was healing every second I was here, but all the healing in the world would do nothing to alter the emotions—the hurt, the loss—I experienced after they left. And thankfully, Jasper knew that. He reached out to me and gave my hand a gentle squeeze effectively giving me the strength I needed to face my past once more. I forced a smile for him and made my way towards the oak chair and ottoman between him and the few empty seats left in the room.

I avoided looking at anyone directly as I took my place among the family. I instinctively pulled my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. I could feel the wave of self-assurance that Jasper shot at me. I took an unneeded deep breath and looked at the loving faces staring back at me. Their faces reflected the ache I felt inside. So in an effort to ease their distress I began.

"As, you may or may not know, by now, it is because of Jasper that I sit with you today."

I took a quick moment to look at him and non-verbally give my thanks. He nodded at me in understanding of my gratitude. Hearing a quiet growl, I decided it best to clarify Jasper's role in my life, so I continued.

"He had no part in my change, but he played a very important part in my…acceptance of this life. And to him I will be eternally grateful. I'm not here asking for a place in your family. I am here because you are all I have left." The reminder of the loss of my parents threatened to rip me in two.

"Bella?"

I didn't need to look at him to know who mumbled my name. I couldn't look at him if I was going to get through this. I put my hand up hoping this would stop him from coming near me or questioning me further.

"No Edward, please let me finish. Like I said you're all the family I have left and I hadn't planned on coming here, but I ran into Jasper as I was preparing to leave Forks and after some compelling arguments on his behalf, well here I am. I didn't realize exactly how much I needed you all until recently, but the fact remains that I do. However, I refuse to be an imposition to any of you. I would like to tell you my story before you say anything, but I must warn you it is not a happy one."

"None of our stories are happy, Bella. Otherwise we'd all be six feet under." Rosalie retorted.

Blatantly ignoring her comment, I wondered where I should begin my story. Was it necessary for them to know how dead I was before my heart ever stopped beating? Noticing the hesitancy clearly spelled out across my face, Jasper leaned towards me and spoke.

"Bell, I think it's best if you start from the very beginning—from the moment we left."

"I don't know. Why burden them with information they don't need to know." I tried to whisper soft enough so only he could here.

"They do need to know. It's important. They all need to understand."

I dropped my head as understanding washed through me. Jasper was right. They needed to know and this would save me from ever having to talk about this again with any of them. I lifted my head and spoke clearly and precisely. Edward was the only one not looking directly at me so I figured focusing on him would be best, for the time being.

"Never mind why you left, that I understand. I admit I always saw it coming, but the way you left—no goodbye, no word, no nothing. One day you were there and the next you were gone."

Edward turned his guilt ridden face towards me to see the fire in my eyes. What his guilt was from I wasn't sure, but I knew if I continued to gaze upon him, his eyes would entrap me. So I got up from my seat and turned towards the door. I needed my back to face them—all of them—as I continued.

"It was like a huge hole had been punched through my chest. The doctor was throwing around words like catatonic and depression. Charlie threatened to send me to Florida to live with Renee. He was tired of seeing me act like someone had died, like I had lost someone, but what he didn't realize is that I did lose someone. I lost a whole family of someone's. "It'll be as if I never existed"" The fury building up inside of me, I whipped around to look at them—to look at him--as I continued.

"But you did exist and I couldn't run away from that—the memories, the pain—they were constant reminders that you were real and that you so easily left me. I didn't have any distractions."

I knew I was directing more of this towards Edward than I had intended to and I wasn't ready to have that conversation with him just yet—especially not in front of the family—so I took another deep breath and made way back into the living room—quickly accepting the calm Jasper was shooting at me.

"I wasn't going to let Charlie send me away. I didn't want to leave Forks so that's when I started trying—for him. I began talking to my friends again and hanging out with Jacob more."

I continued to tell them about the last month of my human life—about my relationship with Jacob, about the nightmares, even about the motorcycles. However, I thought it best to skip over the whole hearing Edward thing. No one seemed to take that piece of information to well.

"It was 3 days before I was bitten that Charlie and I heard of the death of both my mother and Phil. There was a fire at their house in Phoenix. The official report from the investigation said the fire was an accident—started from a candle, but I knew better. Mom never did like candles. Charlie and I were still planning their funeral when I got word that Charlie's patrol car had been wrapped around a telephone poll—not so much like he crashed into it, but like someone tied it like a pretzel around the poll. The dispatcher said Charlie was on a high speed chase moments before he "crashed".

Funny how no one found a high speed chase in Forks odd, I snickered to myself. This elicited confused looks from all the Cullen's so I continued.

"The car he was following was registered to Renee. As if that wasn't proof enough that my family was being targeted, all the wounds he received – from the alleged crash—were identical to the wounds I received from James. Because I was the only person who could recognize this piece of information I was the one to realize Victoria was after me. The moment I heard the news I went somewhere I always found comfort, unfortunately it was in that place that I would also find pain. The place that was the true beginning of my happiness in Forks was also my true ending in Forks. It was there that Laurent was waiting for me."

I heard the intake of breath each one of them took as shock overtook their faces. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something fly across the room and slam through the glass of the front door. Just as I turned to find the culprit I noticed as the patio door slammed shut, glass shattering there as well. I didn't need to mentally list the bodies still in the room to know who paced outside. It was Edward. It would seem that no matter how hard I tried I would never understand his actions. I looked to Jasper for answers, but he had none. Carlisle stood up to go after his son before Jasper intervened.

"No, let me. I think I need to be the one."

And with that he sauntered out the door after his brother. I apologetically looked to them all.

"I am sorry. I told you my story wasn't pleasant."

With Jasper's absence Alice stole an opportunity to comfort me. She stood behind me and laid one hand on my right shoulder.

"Yes you did. I'm afraid some of us are just having a harder time accepting facts than others. But please forgive my brother and make no mistake that we all feel regrettably about what we have heard thus far. We ache for your loss." I forlornly smiled as I place my right hand atop hers—grateful for the comfort.

I twisted my head upwards to look at her as I spoke.

"Thank you, Alice. And I'm sorry for how I treated you earlier. But there were things you needed to know before you could even begin to understand what happened to me. I know it was not your choice to leave, but the fact remains that you did. There are things I'm sure you want to say to me as well and you will get your chance, I promise. But I'm afraid now is not yet the time. You're my best friend and I've missed you. I'm not sure I can live without you much longer."

Her expectant face was filled with delight even through her sorrow. Our attention was drawn to the door as Jasper made his way towards us and Edward stood mournfully at the door. My mouth turned slightly upward and I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding—at the sight of him.

"Bella, I owe you an apology. Please forgive my rude interruption. I should never have bolted from the room as I did. This is hard enough for you without my discourteous behavior. If it's alright with you I'd like to return as you finish your story."

Unbeknownst to me, Edward's return made my heart swell. Whether it was simply his voice or being in his presence I wasn't sure. But it was at this moment I realized that even if Edward didn't want me—even if he hated me with everything he had in him—I'd still long to be near him—to see him happy. Now more than ever I wanted to be a part of this family, a part of Edward—whatever small part he'd give me.

"Yes, Edward. Please, sit."

As Edward made his way towards his seat Jasper lovingly kissed Alice on the cheek before he escorted her back to the sectional. I gave her an approving smile so she would know I'd be fine on my own.

"As I was saying Laurent was waiting for me in the forest. He began telling me how he was searching for me as a favor to Victoria. He boasted about Victoria and the poetic justice she performed on my parents—recreating my wounds on Charlie, Killing Renee and Phil the same way you killed James—ripping them apart and burning all the pieces. He said he was protecting me by killing me. "You have no idea the terror she has planned for you" he said." I slightly shivered at the thought of Victoria's plans for me, but I continued through the pained faces my emotions elicited from the Cullen's.

"He had no intention of changing me—he was going to suck me dry, but after he bit me he was attacked and killed by the pack of Quileute wolves. It wasn't until I woke up that I found out that Victoria was moments behind him and also became puppy chow that day." I hoped my small joke would elicit a little laughter and slightly lighten the mood, but to no avail.

I continued to tell them all I knew about the wolves. I told them about my first few days as a vampire, the reason I chose to leave Forks, and eventually about running into Jasper. Now they knew my whole story. Realizing I was finished, Carlisle spoke first. I looked at all the pained faces—none of which looked back at me now, save for Carlisle.

"Bella, I speak on behalf of the entire family, when I say how deeply sorry we are for the pain we have caused you. Had we known the mess we were leaving you with we never would have left. You should have never had to deal with that on your own, but dare I say you are better for it. The strong woman who sits before us today is not the timid girl we left behind and I trust we all see that. The circumstances are regrettable, but please believe me when I say we are delighted that you are back in our lives. As some of my children may have already told you life without you has been…unpleasant, to say the least. You are a vital member of this family—the final piece to the Cullen family puzzle if you will—and we would have it no other way than for you to stay with us."

His words reiterated the same things Jasper had told me earlier. But somehow hearing those words from Carlisle meant more. I was overcome by the urge to go and embrace him. So I did.

"Thank you Carlisle. I've missed you all, greatly."

"Us too, my daughter. Us too."

* * *

**Push the little green button and tell me what ya think!**

**Remember reviews are like a bottle of 100-year old brandy---to an alcoholic! IRRESISTIBLE. :)**

**P.S. Still on the lookout for a BETA. :)**


	8. My Haven In A Heartless World

**A/N: Sorry it has taken so long to update, but I finally found a Beta and we're working on updating all my current chapters. So new chapter uploads may be a little slow for awhile. SORRY. :) Which BTW If you're looking for a Beta I HIGHLY suggest checking out Project Team Beta because they're awesome!! :)**

**I need to give a HUGE SHOUT-OUT to my avid reviewers! You guys review chapters religiously and it makes me smile.**

**Titanterror12**

**Twilightamanda**

**Aderrett**

**Also a big THANKS to all the new readers to Polar Nights! Seriously guys, I'm totally serious when I say I get all giddy because someone reviews. My blackberry goes off with an email from FF and people look at me like I'm crazy. No one can ever figure out why I'm so excited. haha If it werent for you I wouldn't be writing. So let me know what you think! : )**

**OH and to all you readers who HATE science I'm going to apologize now...you'll see why. **

**Ok. Enough from me. Here goes Chapter 8...and as always I do not own the twilight saga or make any profit from it. That belongs to S. Meyer. **

* * *

I didn't know how long I stayed in Carlisle's embrace, but not until he whispered the words I was secretly holding out for did I make a move.

"Welcome Home, Bella."

I tenderly looked up at him and saw the joy that radiated off his skin. His eyes showed nothing, but pure elation. I believed now more than ever that this was where I belonged. I was truly home. After Carlisle released his embrace of me, Esme was at my side. She gleefully smiled at me, expressing her delight as she pulled me into her arms, for a second time today.

I was glad to finally have my family back and for them to know the truth about my past, well most of it anyways. They not only welcomed me with open arms, but the emotional baggage I carried with me, as well.

I inevitably knew there were questions Carlisle had for me. So I was immensely shocked when he didn't ask. He was a naturally inquisitive man and would, no doubt, want to know every last detail about my change and my time before running into Jasper. I figured he was simply giving me time to adjust before overwhelming me with too many questions, but I had questions for him, too. I hadn't forgotten about Jasper's little assumption that he had found my gift.

Esme knocked me from my thoughts by grabbing me by the shoulders and pulling me away from her. Shocked, I looked at her and noticed a slight glint in her eye.

"Bella, how about that tour now?" The enthusiasm surged out of me as I realized this was her way of giving me some alone time—well, as alone as one can get in a house full of vampires—with my best friend.

I wanted that time just as much as Alice did, so my questions for Carlisle would have to wait, for now.

"Absolutely, I'd love for Alice to show me the house now." Before I had even finished my statement Alice was jumping at my side.

"Oh Bella, you're going to love it." She grabbed my hand and pulled me downstairs before I even had time to look at the family she left in our wake.

She began showing me every crook and cranny of the house, leaving nothing to imagination.

"This is the rec room—for the boys and their rough housing. It's Emmett's favorite room, next to his and Rose's bed room, of course, which is located right here. He couldn't stand to be too far away from his precious video games and the garage is located at the opposite end of this hallway for Rose." Alice laughed as she pushed the door slightly ajar.

Rosalie and Emmett's room clearly personified the couple—I could see Rosalie in every intricate detail, with a little of Emmett splashed throughout, but that's how they liked it I could tell. We continued down the hall until we had reached Alice and Jasper's room.

"This is my favorite room, Bella. Don't you just love it? Isn't it the best?"

"Yes, Alice. It is definitely you." I replied.

And it was Alice. Pinks and reds adorned every surface with a lace canopy bed assembled in the center of the room. It was also heavily decked out with beautiful flowers that left a uniquely lavender scent. If there was anything missing from that room it was Jasper.

"Wait until you see the closest. It's too die for." Alice squeaked. My eyes nearly bulged out of my head when I saw the closest. Alice mistook my speechlessness for envy.

"We can get you one just like it, you know."

"Alice, it's bigger than the entire room."

"Of course, Bella. The room is just a formality, but the clothes are a necessity. I do have seven, now eight, vampires to properly clothe every day, you know. What else did you expect? The family designer needs room to design." I quietly laughed at her huffiness.

"Yes Alice, I guess you do, but still it's so massive."

"Come on Bella. I'm not having you insult my room any longer. Plus there's more to see." She excitedly chirped.

The more I saw of the house the more in awe I was. It was even more beautiful on the inside than the outside. Esme had done a great job at designing the house and I had to admit I loved it just as much, if not more than the house in Forks. Alice briskly stopped at a door just down the hall from her bedroom.

"And through here is Jazz's study. Not much to see here, just books" She said dejectedly. Noticing my enthusasism at the mention of books Alice expounded.

"It's all boring stuff, mostly old history books, but Jazz loves it. He relishes in proving he knows more than the old history windbags. He lived through a lot of it, you know." Actually, I hadn't known that. It was then that it dawned on me that I knew very little about my new brothers and sisters. Of course what would you expect when Edward hadn't trusted his family to be alone with me?

Alice towed me towards the stairs, but I stopped when my attention was averted to an almost hidden door next to the staircase. "Alice what's in there?"

"That is the music room Esme built for Edward, but, of course, he's never been in there." She quietly sighed. "In fact I don't think he's ever even seen this part of the house."

Alice sparked my curiosity. Was Edward not playing music anymore? And why had he never been in that part of the house? I looked at her dubiously, but she ignored my unspoken questions as she quickly ascended back up the stairs. When we reached the first floor again I looked around to find that the family had scattered from the living room. Where they had gone I could only imagine, but I hoped they would all return soon. Being in their presence I felt almost complete and now with them out of hearing range, I felt a slight tightening of my stomach and a twinge in my heart.

"If you liked the bottom floor, you are absolutely going to adore this one." Alice tenderly smiled at me as I pushed down the ache building inside of me and unwearyingly waited to see the rest of the house.

"Well of course you've already seen the living room and the kitchen is over there. It's small, but we felt there was no need wasting space especially when we'll never use it, anyways." I wordlessly laughed. I could only imagine what Alice would do with all the extra space. Alice zipped to a doorway leading into what I imagined could only belong to Carlisle's.

"This is Carlisle's study. It's a little larger than Jazz's but Carlisle designed it himself." I looked around the room and noticed his wall of ancient photos was here, as well as his father's hand carved cross. He, unlike the rest of the family, had, at least, brought his past with him. On the other side of the office was a bookshelf where he stored his innumerable medical journals and models of the human body—which I found quite unnerving. One half of the office looked like a medical library and the other half—a historic artifact museum, but both sides blended together made it the epitome of Carlisle.

Alice interrupted my thoughts again. "Carlisle and Esme's room is on the other side of this floor, but there something more important—something I want you to see—down this hall." Curiously I followed her out of Carlisle's office and down the wooden hallway.

We continued towards the back of the house and I mechanically stopped in front of a door that I instantaneously knew led to Edward. His scent clung to the door and frame. I was caught between joy for his proximity and sadness for his distance. I put a hand on the door, as if it would bring me closer to him and looked to Alice.

"Alice?" Sensing the cause of my confusion her face fell into a mask of sadness.

"I wasn't sure. I didn't think...Outside you said…" Her apologetic voice quickly died out.

I closed my eyes and inhaled his scent once more. The strength of it was like a proverbial kick in the gut—it brought pain, but it also brought comfort. "Is he?"

She somberly shook her head. My eyes grew big as I momentarily entertained the thought that he had left again. Alice rushed to my side before I had time to react to the idea of Edward leaving again and intruded on my thoughts.

"No. Bella, I may not be able to see the future right now, but I have a pretty good idea of what you're thinking and you're wrong. He wouldn't—he couldn't—do that, ever again." Even with my vampire hearing I could have sworn I heard her mumble, "I won't let him." With one deep sigh, she relaxed by expelling the emotions that were building inside of her.

"The rest of the family has merely taken him hunting. It has been too long since he hunted last and they have missed him." Her mouth upturned into a small smile, but I could tell it was forced. Alice knew more than she was revealing—there was something she was hiding from me, something about Edward.

"But I'm sure he won't mind if you want to take a look."

I forced down my escalating trepidation over Edward and slowly inched the door open with a gentle push. I was instantaneously overwhelmed by his scent. I took a deep whiff and encircled myself with his glorious aroma, once again bringing both pain and comfort with it. I looked around and noticed the room was meticulously clean. It appeared as if no one had ever been in there, except for a small furrow in the couch. I didn't want to even consider what that meant and I knew if I stood there much longer I'd have no hope of ever leaving—no matter how much Edward didn't want me. So I quickly disappeared out the room and shut the door behind me, with Alice in tow. "Come on. Let's go."

I let Alice once again take the lead as we continued down the corridor until she bounded for a door merely yards away from Edward's room. "And this…this was our guest room."

She pushed open the door and stepped aside as I made my way inside. The room was filled with blues and purples and looked almost identical to my room in Forks, with a few predominant upgrades. There was a shelving unit, filled with my favorite music and novels that took up the entire left hand wall. When I turned to view the opposite wall, I found a desk covered with pictures—of me and my family, both of them.

At the back of the room was the closest and it was filled with my economically savvy wardrobe. I wondered how Alice managed to pilfer my clothes without my knowledge, but at that moment I didn't care. Allowing my clothes in there, rather than buying me a complete new wardrobe was a huge defeat for her and I was grateful. I closed my eyes and leisurely inhaled the fragrance of the room—freesias. I glanced around once more to find it was, in fact, bathed in bouquets and bouquets of freesias. My eyes filled with dry tears as I began to realize what the gesture meant. I turned around to face my lighthearted sister.

"Alice?"

"This _was_ the guest room Bella, but we designed it after you. We designed it for you. We always hoped Edward would change his mind—that we would return to you, that you would become one of us and join our family for eternity." She strode past me and sat down dejectedly on the edge of the bed.

"You never stopped caring did you?" I rhetorically asked. She looked up at me through gloomy eyes, no longer hiding the intensity of the emotional pain this situation had brought her.

"No, not once. You know, there were no distractions for us either—from our pain. In a small way this room kept you with us. You probably think it's selfish of us to keep reminders of you when Edward allowed you none. And Bella, I'm sorry for that. If I had known what he would do to you, how he would break you, I would have stayed behind. He wouldn't let me say goodbye and he forbid me from watching your future. I fought him tooth and nail, but he wouldn't budge. He thought it was better for you that way. A clean break—he said." I joined her on the bed as I wrapped my arms around her and let her sob.

"Alice, it's ok. I understand, really I do. And I'm not mad at you. I know you had to leave. I would never have asked you to leave him. You're his sister and as much as he hates to admit it he needs you."

"I'm your sister too." I could see the confusion in her face and the ache in her eyes. I briefly wondered if the temporary loss of her visions were partly responsible for her bottomless sadness and uncertainty.

"Yes, you are. And you're right I need you too, but you have to know I'd never take any of you away from him. I could never hurt him like that, but that doesn't mean that I could just walk away from you either." The sincerity of my words brought a beam of delight to her demeanor.

"Good because you're stuck with us for eternity." I chuckled with amusement.

"Alice, I wouldn't have it any other way." She pulled away from me—her smile once again tinted with sadness.

"Bella can I ask you something?" I nodded at her—a little anxious for her question.

"Do you still love him?" I instantly looked away—not wanting her to see the pain that was, no doubt, laced throughout my features.

"Alice, please don't ask me that. I've just come to terms with how much he hates me. And I'm not ready to face my unrequited feelings just yet. But I can promise you one thing, as long as he's happy so too am I."

Noting my finality on the subject she quietly answered. "Okay."

She hugged me once more and I noticed the joyful spirit slowing returning to her persona. My attention was averted by a knock at the door and I watched as a sly vampire creepingly peaked around the doorframe towards us.

"Jazz, you're back" She said excitedly before leaping to her feet and into his arms.

"Like you didn't already know, Alice." I joked.

Her head whipped towards me. "I didn't Bella. It's true my vision has been…shaky lately, but I haven't seen anything at all since—well since you broke up the fight in the driveway, actually."

Jasper intentionally cleared his throat "Yes, that is why I am here looking for you two. Bella, I think it's time we talk to Carlisle."

The three of us made our way towards Carlisle's study where he was on phone.

"Yes, that's right…Of course…Till then." He hung up the phone as he greeted us.

"Aw, children. I thought I heard you coming. Come in, please. Sit." The three of us made our way inside the expansive office. Alice and Jasper snuggled up on the couch beside Carlisle's desk and I sat in one of the oversized chairs in front of it. I knew there was no need to shut the door, when everyone in the house would hear our conversation anyway. Since Jasper was the one with the so-called theory I let him speak first.

"We wanted to speak to you about Bella. Strange things have been occurring since we reacquainted ourselves."

"What kind of things?" Carlisle inquired, the intrigue written clearly across his face.

"I'm not sure how to explain it, but it's like sometimes Bella disappears—not physically, but psychologically. For instance when I was in Forks, I didn't feel her presence, at first. I heard her enter the house before I ever felt her and even as I stood in her presence I still felt nothing. Not until she began telling me her story did I feel anything radiate from her. Had I not been looking at her I would have sworn there was no one there. And even throughout our conversation her emotions flickered on and off. It was quite unsettling. Then I spoke to Alice." Jasper looked to his wife, nodded his head and flashed his eyes to Carlisle. It was his way of communicating with her—so she spoke.

"Jasper asked me not to watch his future when he left, but as you know because I'm so attuned to him visions frequently slip through. The last one I saw before I spoke to him on the phone was about a week prior—he was in our room in forks, alone." I noticed as Jasper tightened his grip on his wife and began rubbing soothing circles on her back as her eyes welled up with dry tears. I knew it hurt her to see the pain Jasper was in. I was glad I didn't have to see it, myself. She took a deep breath and continued.

"It wasn't until he called that I actually looked for his future and what I saw scared me. It was different—not like his future had completely disappeared, but that something was concealing it from me. It was like trying to look at a nebulous picture. But when I told him about it he wasn't concerned." She lovingly looked up at her husband before giving him a quick peck on the lips. I could tell she was grateful he was right about her visions because Alice and Jasper weren't usually ones to showcase public displays of affection. I inwardly smiled at their glee and secretly hoped for my own one day. It was the human Edward didn't love; maybe just maybe, he could learn to love the vampire. But even if he didn't, I had a feeling that just being near him would be enough to sustain some semblance of my own personal paradise.

Carlisle looked to Jasper. "Hm. I take it you have a theory? "

Jasper nodded his head. "From what I can tell Bella can protect herself from any gift that plays off the mind. Edward can't read her mind. Alice can't see her future because her decisions are hidden. And I can't feel her emotions because her brain is hidden from me as it processes her emotions. But it seems that she can involuntarily let down this…"

Carlisle interrupted Jasper's thoughts. "Shield."

Jaspers eyes flashed with intrigue "Aw, yes. Shield."

Carlisle turned to me, his face clearly captivated by the potential he foresaw and yet overwhelmed with shame. "Bella, I hate to ask you to talk about your past once more, but it would help us determine exactly how your shield works. If at any point it becomes too difficult to discuss, we can stop. Now, can you remember the conversation you and Jasper had about your change?"

"Yes, in great detail." I uneasily responded.

"Can you tell me, did anything change between the moment you approached the house and the moment you began speaking with Jasper? Was there anything that would cause you to relax—to drop your shield?"

I thought back to our conversation in Forks. I could remember every facet meticulously well. I remembered the intensity of the emotions and how they bowled me over and not one of those emotions was relaxation.

"I can't think of anything. My emotions were pretty intense the entire time. I was so focused on controlling them that I didn't really think about much else."

"Can you walk me through everything that happened from the moment you stepped inside the house?" He courteously asked.

I nodded and slowly began retelling the events of just a few days ago in perfect detail. As my story continued, I watched as Carlisle got up and began pacing the room back and forth—his forefinger and thumb stroking his chin. Abruptly, He dropped his hand and swiftly turned to look at me with eager eyes, "Bella, why did you sit across the room from Jasper?"

"I wanted to protect him from my emotions."

"And you say you were focusing on controlling them. Why?"

"Because Jasper didn't deserve to hurt the way I was hurting. It was my pain to bear not his." Jasper and Alice looked to me with thankful eyes and I forced a slight smile for them.

"Aha. I believe that's the key to your shield, Bella. When you want to protect yourself or someone else, you will. You just have to make a conscious decision and then you must focus on that task." But why then did my shield fade in and out, I wondered. Noticing my contemplation Carlisle expounded.

"I think the reason behind the erratic nature of your shield had to do with your lack of knowledge about your gift and the intensity of your emotions. From what you and Jasper have told me, I gather they were exceptionally forceful—potent enough to overpower your desire to protect Jasper—enough to slip through the holes, if you will."

"And what about Alice and Edward? I haven't faded in and out of their radars. I've been locked out ceaselessly." I avowed.

"Well, the human brain is a complex organ and with the added capabilities of being a vampire, things tend to get complicated rather easily. That is to say, that you can let Alice and Edward in, if you wanted to, but it will take a great deal of practice. Your thoughts are conscious and your shield will always protect those first. It will take the most work to ever intentionally reveal those."

Noticing the confused look that adorned my face, Carlisle pulled down a colorful plastic brain off a wall-shelf to illustrate more clearly what he was trying to elucidate.

"Let me try to explain this from a scientific perspective. The "emotional control center" of your brain—your hypothalamus—is part of your inner brain, located right here, protected by the frontal lobes of your cerebrum—here." Carlisle began carefully pulling colorful pieces off the brain, until we were looking at a small misshaped organ.

"As you can tell the hypothalamus is very well hidden and is the sole organ to make sense of your emotions. On the other hand, when you put thoughts together or make decisions, it is not simply one area of your brain at work. It is much more complex than that, in fact many different areas of your cerebrum—this area here—must work together to accomplish that multifaceted task. Because of this your shield has to work harder to protect them—making sure there are no holes, no where someone could get through." Carlisle took a moment to tweak his thoughts.

"But that is only one perspective. Another would be the fact that neither your thoughts nor your decisions ever leave your brain. Unlike your emotions, which get interpreted in your brain, but are actually carried out by your body—giving them a greater ease of escape. So they are only temporarily hidden." Carlisle turned away to place his plastic brain back on the shelf as he heavily sighed.

"I'm afraid we can never know for sure exactly what causes the difference between what you can and cannot guard. But still I think the important thing is that we recognize that you can protect your brain or you can expose it. But to expose it completely requires a concentrated conscious decision." Carlisle looked back towards me and took in my confused and partly panicked expression.

"Bella, I know this is a lot to take in, but we'll experiment with it. I'm sure your brothers and sisters would love to help find out where your boundaries and limitations are and how they can be stretched. This is nothing to be frightened over. It is a good thing." He assured me.

"Eleazar might even be able to clarify our questions. Hm." Something told me Carlisle was thinking to himself out loud because Jasper cleared his throat before Carlisle spoke again.

"Anyway you will be meeting our cousins, the Denali's, soon enough. They are on their way here, as we speak." My eyes flashed to Alice and Jasper as my expression became tainted with anxiety. I instantly remembered what Edward had told me about the Denali's. He had spoken of them once, many months before.

"_The Denali's for all intents and purposes are our cousins. We stayed with them for a time many years ago, but that many vampires living in one location makes it kind of hard to stay inconspicuous. They are the only other vegetarians we know of." Edward flatly said._

"_And they look…like you?" I heard Edward take in a deep breath and quickly expel it._

"_Yes, Bella. Like me…white skin, gold eyes." He was quickly becoming exasperated with me. He didn't understand what it felt like to be human surrounded by the most gorgeous creatures alive._

"_And extraordinarily beautiful, of course." I amended._

"_Maybe to human eyes…" He shrugged it off and looked to me like I was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen, but we both knew that wasn't the case at all_.

What Edward didn't know at the time was that Rosalie had already told me about the Denali's—well about Tanya, at least—about how inhumanly beautiful she was and how she wanted Edward. I knew I was no match for her as a human and now as a vampire Edward no longer wanted me. So, she had no competition. "Would I have to stand by and watch him love her?" I silently wondered. Telling myself that I could watch it was one thing, actually watching it was another.

Noticing the concern written across my face Alice was instantly at my side effectively ripping me from my memories. "Come, Bella. We have so much to do and so very little time before our cousins arrive." She linked her arm through mine as I stood to my feet. I barely had time to turn and say goodbye to Carlisle and Jasper before she was hauling me out the door.

Alice began cheerfully skipping down the hallway towing me alongside her.

"Now Bella, there is nothing to be concerned about, nothing at all—they're family." She pleaded. I noticed as Alice quickly took in my tattered appearance, looking me up and down, from head to toe. I realized I needed to get cleaned up. Since my change the thought hadn't crossed my mind to shower. For one my mind had been preoccupied with my fortifying thirst and what I thought was my looming end, not to mention my run-in with Jasper. Plus, it wasn't like I could excrete any bodily fluids that would immediately require me to bathe. But all of a sudden I felt as dirty as, I'm sure, I looked to Alice.

"Hm. It has been a rough time for you lately. Hasn't it? Why don't you go take a shower and we'll spiffy you all up for the arrival of our cousins" I wasn't going to lie; the shower sounded amazing, but I had a feeling it would be attached with "Chic Alice, the Stylist". And I didn't want to play dress. God could only imagine what kind of clothes she would put me in.

"Oh, Alice. No. I don't want to play Bella Barbie today." I whined.

"Hush now, Bella. I know best. Remember no one ever bets against me." Alice could be a downright tyrant when she wanted to, usually until she got her way.

"Yeah, but that was before you were blind." I teased.

"And whose fault is that, missy? Therefore, you owe me. So, off you go. Shower and then I'll have the perfect outfit picked out for you." Who was I kidding, blind or not, Alice would always win. So unwillingly I stalked away like a little kid who just had her toys taken from her and headed back towards my bedroom.

"Oh and the door leading to the bathroom is in your bedroom." She yelled after me.

"Of course it is" I mumbled.

When I passed Edwards room I made sure not to look at it, listen to its inhabitants, or even breathe. I knew if my senses confirmed that he was in there, I wouldn't be able to keep myself from confronting him and I wasn't ready for that, just yet. But, it seemed no matter what I wanted; he still had an unintentional pull over me. Much to my dismay, I was pretty sure he could still dazzle me too. The inevitable conversation looming on the horizon was one that was essential—I needed him to believe my lies—for the sake of me and this family.

I would be happy as long as he was happy. I could watch him love another, as long as I got to be near him, right? That's what I told myself, anyway.

Once I had finally made it safely back into my room, I quietly slipped into the bathroom. I was instantly taken aback by both the size and beauty of the bathroom. The floors had been expertly surfaced with russet stone-like tiles and the walls sponged with raw umber paint. But what caught my eyes first was the enormous tub built against the wall farthest from me. It was illuminated by sunlight coming through 2 beautiful tri-paned windows and heated by a lit fireplace at the foot of the tub. To my left was a wall of differently sized square tiled mirrors and above me an extravagant chandelier hanged from the ceiling. To say that the bathroom was beautiful would have been an understatement. It was far more than that; it was elegant and idealistic—unambiguously romantic. Merely being in there made me think of all the possible things I could have done in there—things I would have done with Edward, if he hadn't hated me.

Quickly I strode farther into the magnificent room, pushing my thoughts of Edward down. I glanced to my left, where I saw the beginning of a short walkway which led to a shower. Walking closer, I realized the clear paned glass shower was just as magnificent as the remainder of the bathroom. The inside was tiled with slate that was marbled in various shades of brown. Bowled over by its beauty I dropped my clothes and stepped inside. I turned the water to the hottest setting it would go. I was quickly amazed at how pleasant the warmth felt against my cold, granite skin. It soothed my soul. As I stood beneath the steam and water as it pelted my skin I began to think back on all that had happened in the last week. I had lost my family, lost my friends, lost my life and then Jasper had given it all back to me—granted, it was a different family, different friends, and a different life, but it made me overjoyed just the same. They were my haven in a heartless world. I was slowly realizing that love would heal everything and I dared to say it could even heal my broken heart. As long as I had the love of my family I would survive. I indulged myself in the heat for what seemed like merely minutes—until there was a knock at a door I didn't know existed.

"I'm sorry, Bella, but Alice said that if you don't hurry up she's going to come in after you." Of course it would be Edward. Of course he would have a door leading to the same bathroom as me. I was living down the hall from him, after all. I just hadn't realized our rooms were so close—so connected. I thought I had heard a longing in his voice, but I was sure I was imagining it, but that did nothing to deter his ever presence in my thoughts, in fact it only seemed to fuel it.

"Thanks." I quickly answered. I turned off the shower and stepped out onto the rug to begin drying myself. I stepped into a robe Alice had so thoughtfully left for me as I heard two nearby voices arguing.

"She's staying here; she's family."

"I don't want her here. You know what will happen! Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

"Of course it does Edward, but this isn't about you."

"Like hell it's not. I can't believe you're doing this to me—you of all people, Carlisle."

"Edward, you know how I hate being authoritative with you, but this conversation is over. She is staying here and the Denali's are staying here. That is final."

I was stunned into silence as I acknowledged the conversation I had just overheard between Edward and Carlisle. Edward didn't want me here. His extended family was coming and he wanted me gone. Everytime I thought I was imagining his hatred of me, he went and proved me wrong. His voice was packed with anger and what almost sounded like anxiety, or maybe it was dread. I wasn't positive.

Either way it didn't matter, I wasn't going to stick around long enough to find out. I quickly made way out of the bathroom and as far away from Edward as I could get, at that moment. For the first time, in ever, I didn't want to be anywhere near Edward Cullen.

* * *

**A/N: I hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as I did!! Any guesses as to where Bella is going? Want a hint? It's not where you think it is... Push the little green button and let me know what you think! :) **


	9. Blinded, But Still I See You

**I know it's been a while since I posted a chapter, but I had a sudden burst of twilight creativity last weekend. So, I figured what the heck I might as well see what I can work out for this chapter! And I have to say things are a changing. Let me know what you think. Reviews are golden. And the pot at the end of my rainbow needs a fillin'. :)**

Alice opened her door the instant I showed up. I didn't even have a chance to knock.

"What happened to not being able to see me?" I asked.

"Just because I can't see you doesn't mean I can't hear you. Duh, I'm still a vampire."

She grabbed my arm and towed me inside. I made my way towards the back of her room and slumped onto her bed.

"What's wrong," She questioned, clearly concerned about my present state.

I shook my head at her, not wanting Edward to be privy to this particular conversation. I wasn't sure if he was in hearing range or not, and I didn't want him to know how much I loved him, and how much his not loving me hurt. If I hadn't believed it before, it was suddenly clear to me that Edward had moved on. But why he didn't want me there still didn't make sense. He was fine with me being there earlier. Why then? Was there something special about the Denalis? Then it dawned on me. Edward must be romantic with Tanya and he doesn't want me here when she arrives. The current girlfriend and the ex girlfriend in the same house, of course he didn't want that. _He must be afraid I'm going to ruin everything for him_, I assumed. _Had he not been listening when I told him I wasn't here for him? _Maybe, I wasn't as convincing as I had thought…or maybe he had talked to Jasper. Maybe Jasper had told Edward the truth—the truth I couldn't hide even if I tried, at least not until I got this gift of mine under control. Alice stared blankly at me waiting for an answer I wasn't going to give her.

My thoughts were interrupted by the swift opening of a door behind me that I didn't even know existed. It appeared to be a part of the wall, with no door handle in sight. My head didn't need to look back to know who stood in the doorframe.

"Bella, stop." It was Jasper.

"Stop what? I'm just facing the possibilities. You know that." I didn't turn to look at him, as he stayed rooted in the doorway. He didn't need my eye contact to clearly see how I was feeling.

"Yes, well your possibilities are wrong. No one hates you, and no one has betrayed you," he retorted. I looked to Alice, who stood between the two of us, not sure who she wanted to go to more. She seemed lost in our interaction, and I could tell she didn't quite understand the ease I felt with being open with Jasper—ease that didn't come from his gift. I felt sorrow for her because I knew she wanted nothing more than to comfort me. Yet, my sorrow paled in comparison to the aggravation I was feeling. Still, I reached a hand out to her. She quickly flashed a curious look towards Jasper who just stared back at her with the new smile that adorned his face—a smile just for her. Tearing her eyes away from Jasper, she made her way towards me and took my hand, as she seated herself beside me on the bed. She didn't say anything; she just put one arm around my shoulder, while the other rubbed soothing circles across my hand.

The silence that shook the room was deafening and quite frankly I couldn't take. I just knew I was right about this. I angrily stood to face Jasper.

"Did you not hear what Edward said?"

"I did. Did you—because if you had you wouldn't be tearing yourself up like this," he riposted.

"I heard him perfectly. His exact words were 'I don't want her here.'" _It doesn't get any clearer than th_at, I convinced myself.

"Last time I checked "her" wasn't exclusive with "Bella!" I could hear the irritation in his voice, even though I knew he wasn't angry with me. He was goaded with the situation and with Edward. But his astute observation was one of truth. Edward hadn't directly said he was talking about me. I had inferred that much.

"Come on, we all know he was talking about me. He may not always act like it, but he loves his family and he wouldn't have a problem with any of you being here." I glanced towards Alice as she came to stand beside me, to comfort me, in effect reminding me she was there supporting me—that she wanted me there. And that maybe what Edward wanted somehow didn't matter quite so much anymore.

"Yes, he loves his family, but you are his family too. He knows that. And if there is anything to be said for Edward it's his devotion to his family. Even if he hated you with everything he had, which he doesn't, he'd still protect you. He would never throw you out." I noticed as Jaspers voice lingered on the word never, as if there was something waiting for me in this "never" he spoke of. Something I had to find for myself.

I didn't know if Jasper was right, but I did know that I needed to confront Edward, something I didn't think I was ready to do. But, I was beginning to realize that the longer I put off talking to him the worse the tension was going to get and the harder it was going to be, both for myself and for my siblings. It looked like I was going to have to confront him sooner than I would have liked. _Even if he didn't want to be with me, he could still be around me, right?_

Just as inaudibly as Jasper entered, he disappeared back through the hidden door, before I had a chance to respond. Alice still stood next to me bracing me with her strength.

"I can't imagine how hard this is for you—dealing with everything while trying to become acclimated to this life. But, believe me when I say things aren't what they seem. The things you seem to think are unambiguous are not, and your concerns are absolutely absurd. The only way for you to resolve that is to speak with him. I think it's time you talked with Edward."

I tried to interrupt her, "But…"

"No buts. You need this. For God's sake, he needs this. Who am I kidding? We all need this. So, we are going to fix you up and then you will go to him. You will let him explain. And you will tell him what a complete ass he has been."

"I'm not ready."

"Oh, but you are. Don't you see? You thought Edward didn't want you. He said something that cut you down into the deep pits of your soul and yet, you didn't run. You didn't leave us, when you had the chance. You stayed. You came here—to let us support you as you heal. This is where you belong. Edward will be here as long as you are and whether you love him or not, is not important, right now. What is important is that you two learn to be a family and that you find yourself and your place in this family and you ease into that role. Because mark my words, we're not letting either one of you out of our sights again and if one of you ever tries to leave there will be hell to pay."

I hated to admit it, but Alice was right. I needed them almost as much as I needed Edward. And here they were offering themselves to me—welcoming me with open arms, arms I was pretty sure would never let me go. Still, I wasn't ready to talk to Edward about loving him, but that didn't mean I couldn't talk to him period. If I would have been honest with myself, I would have admitted exactly how much I was longing to get lost in his deep onyx eyes and to hear his melodic voice again. For the first time, I actually wanted to be dazzled by him.

As quiet as a mouse Alice whispered.

"And you can't lie to me, Bella. I know you still love him." Before I had time to deny her accusation, I was heaved into her vast closest standing wide-eyed before multiple rows of pristinely hung clothes. I watched as Alice began rummaging through each clear garment bag.

"Hm. This would…no…something blue…maybe a little shorter…accentuate…" She was mumbling to herself as she strategically pulled outfits off the rack to hold in front of me, before hanging each one back up. Then finally, she pulled down the only black clothing bag hanging in her closest and threw it at me. "Here put this on and let me see," she ordered.

I could only imagine what would be inside that bag. I unzipped it, and was instantly relieved at what I saw: a pair of denim jeans and a blue blouse. I smiled genuinely at Alice because I knew she could have done a whole lot worse. In fact, I realized this outfit wasn't Alice at all. It was me, a slightly better dressed version of me, but still me none the less. And I knew she'd had Edward in mind when she picked these clothes out, but I didn't mind that so much either.

"I knew you wouldn't let me put you in what I wanted to. So that is a compromise. Now go on; put it on," she commanded. "There are undergarments, just your size back in the changing room."

I walked into the back of her "closest" and found what she deemed a changing room—a giant almost empty room with nothing but mirrors and a few chairs surrounding a giant stool, where I imagined she could alter clothing. I easily found the blue undergarments draped across a brown leather chair. I slid into them before donning the jeans which were much tighter than I anticipated. They weren't tight in the sense that they were too small, but more that they were designed to be tight—to hug your hips and show off your curves. I inwardly laughed at Alice. I could see what she meant by compromise now. If the jeans were this tight, I could only imagine the way the blouse would form to my body. I slipped into the deep blue blouse and turned to look at myself in the mirror. The human Bella would have never pulled off this top, much less this outfit. It hug every curve I had, many of which I acquired thanks to my change. I noticed in the mirror as Alice popped up behind me.

"Ah, there you are." She looked me once over. "Not exactly what I would have put you in, but it'll do. It's the perfect blend of my exquisite sense of style and your own taste. Ed..." My eyes quickly flashed to hers and back to my appearance. Whatever she was about to say, she decided better of it.

"Anyway, come. There's more work to be done." Alice finished dressing me, by adding a pair of jet black platform peeptoe wedges to my feet, at least that was what she called them. All I knew was that I would have to focus on not tripping in them. Alice said vampires weren't clumsy, but we were talking about me after all, and I couldn't afford to not be careful. Then she and Rosalie proceeded to moisturize, blow-dry, and style my hair and apply just a touch of make-up. We were playing Bella Barbie, again, only I didn't mind so much. Don't get me wrong I was still not a fan of it, but at that moment I'd have given anything to keep my sister. So if that meant letting her make me over, I was all for it. Finally we were done.

They spun the chair I was seated in around so I was facing them. Rosalie silently handed me a small mirror with which to view myself. I didn't recognize the woman staring back at me. They had done such an amazing job I didn't even look like me, I looked…almost beautiful.

"Stunning, absolutely stunning. Excellent job, Rose." She nodded her head and quietly exited the room. I looked questionably to Alice.

"She just needs time, Bella. She feels partly responsible for your pain and she's not ready to face you, yet." I never understood Rosalie, but her guilt was absurd. She always disliked me, but my current state was not her fault. I pushed Rosalie's problems to the back of my mind because there were important matters at hand.

"Alice, where is he," I questioned as I began to make my way towards the door. It was like there was a magnetic force pulling me to him, now that I had made my decision to go. A decision I finally believed in, no matter the consequences.

"I'm glad to see you've come around. He's outside with Carlisle."

"Thank you…for everything."

"Geez, you're acting like you're on your way to the stockades," Alice joked. I smiled slightly at her and made my way out the door, before softly whispering, "Maybe I am."

I was grateful that no one came out to greet me as I made my way towards the front door. It gave me ample time to compose my thoughts. _What was I going to say?_ I began compiling a list of things I needed to say as I stepped outside. Edward and Carlisle were sitting on the ground having one their silent conversations. From what I could tell Edward was upset and Carlisle had his arm around his eldest son comforting him. I'd never seen Edward so broken. I prayed it wasn't my presence that had him in that state because just the sight of him comforted me. _Although that would be just another inequity in our relationship—how he is my world and I'm not even a part of his._ But I couldn't think about that at the moment. I had to focus on convincing him that we could be both be happy under the same roof. I continued towards the two men as the wind changed. Instantly I became overwhelmed by his scent and surprisingly, it comforted me. It was at that moment I knew no matter how things ended up between us just being near him would always ease my pain. I closed my eyes and let it refresh me. My soul was suddenly at peace as if the circumstances no longer mattered. The important thing was that I was mere moments away from the man my heart belonged to, the man it would always belong to whether or not he wanted it.

"Edward," I whispered. I was surprised how effortlessly his name slipped from my lips. I hadn't even intended to say it, but his scent called to me while his presence pulled his name from my lips.

"Bella?" The tone of his voice confused me. It reverberated with contentment and longing that I was positive had nothing to do with me. He stared straight ahead, never turning to look at me, which made me wonder if I had imagined my name sliding through his lips. As I neared them, Carlisle arose to leave us. As he strode past me, he shot me a smile and reached out to encouragingly squeeze my hand. Our interaction lasted merely a second before he disappeared into the house. Yet that second was enough to give me the tiny boost of confidence I needed. I advanced towards Edward, where he leaned back against an old pine tree.

I effortlessly slid down beside him, his posture visibly relaxing at my nearness. Knowing I still had a small effect on him made my heart jump. Still, I wasn't sure he had registered my presence, almost as if his body and his brain were running on two different wave lengths. Someone had to speak, even if I was completely comfortable in the silence. Not knowing what to say, I listened to the words as they fell from my lips, as if now my brain and my body were running on two different wave lengths, too.

"You left." I noticed as his head fell slightly, although neither of us was looking at the other. Whatever mask he had been wearing before was gone now. He was not only letting me see his broken state, but he was letting me in, as well.

"I left," he acknowledged. Momentarily I wondered if we were talking about the same instance. As it was, Edward had walked away from me more than once. Seeing as I didn't want to discuss the first time he left me, I decided to continue.

"I'm sorry if my story upset you. But you should know I didn't do this on purpose." His head whipped towards me and he pierced my soul with his dark eyes. They weren't yet black, but were growing awful close. They were darkening not from hunger, but from want, from need, I could tell. _But want and need of what?_ There was something hanging off the edges of his lips and I knew he wanted to speak, but I had to say it all while I still had the courage.

"No, please wait. Let me finish. I didn't ask for this life, but it's what I've been dealt. I know how against this you were and how against my being here you still are…" I held up a hand to stop him from trying to rebut and continued.

"But I need you to understand." I tore my eyes from his as I continued. I needed to look at something, anything other than his face as I went on.

"Edward, I need them. They're all I have left and I couldn't leave them even if I wanted to. Of course, I know you better than you'd like. I know you'd never ask me to leave; I know you'd leave yourself if my being here was too hard on you. But, I promise you I'd leave before you ever got the chance. You wouldn't survive without them. You need them; they're your family. And they need you, but a part of me hopes in some small way they need me too." I hadn't meant to say that last part out loud, but as the words began they continued to freely flow through my lips. I was rambling to hide my nervousness. Still the thought of _my_ family did bring a small smile to my lips.

"That said, that leaves us family—all of us. And I want you to know we can live together, be family, even though we don't feel the same anymore. We can be happy under the same roof, apart from one another." The last part pained me to say because no matter how I pretended I would never not want to be with Edward. I turned back to face him as I reached a hand out to touch his face. I was shocked by the electricity that ran between us. I flinched my hand away and Edward gradually pulled it back towards to his cheek. He held it there for an immeasurable amount of time as he relaxed into it. The longer I sat there the more he ripped at my soul. I couldn't bear to see him in this state and even if it killed me, I wanted to help him get himself back—the way Jasper had helped me.

"You're broken. I don't know why. I don't know how, but I want to help you. You and I—we can be friends. I can help you, if you'll let me."

"I don't deserve your help."

"Don't say that."

"I've seen how broken you were, Bella. Jasper tried to hide it, but I still saw. I deserve my misery."

"Edward?" No response.

"Edward, look at me. Do I look broken to you?"

He thought carefully before speaking again, but still he stumbled over his words. "No. You look…different, but…" I was suddenly thankful for my ability to hide everything from Edward. I could be whole for him or at least I could pretend to be. He would not know the depth of my scars.

"No, buts. I don't look broken because I'm not. And you should be thanking Jasper for that rather than attacking him."

"I know. I'm sorry for that. It's just I've missed you so much Bella and then Jasper shows up with you in tow and I didn't know what to think. I thought he'd killed you himself." _Edward missed me? Then why did he leave me_? We were both lost in our own thought for a few minutes before he broke the silence.

"There is so much to tell you, so much to apologize for, and so much you still need to know."

"Slow down. We have time. In fact, we have eternity. Right now I want you to get better and I have a feeling spending time with your family is just what you need. Can you do something for me?"

"Anything."

"Promise me you won't leave. Your leaving almost killed them, but I'm sure you know that. I can't see them like that again."

"You're here. Where else would I go?" I was confused by his comment, but before I had time to ask him about it I heard a car near the drive.

"Ah, looks like the rest of your family is almost here. Come on."

"But Bella…"

"No, Edward you need this. We can talk later. We will talk later. Promise." I reached out a hand to him and he stood. We began making our way towards the family as I fought to push down every nervous feeling bubbling up inside me. But as I pushed down the nerves abhorrence was slowly taking its place—detest for Tanya and her secret relationship with Edward. Before I had time to ponder the budding relationship between Edward and her—whoever she was—Edward grabbed me and forced me to face me.

"I promised you, now you need to promise me."

I slowly nodded my head in confusion.

"No matter what happens now—while they're here—you won't let it change you. You'll stay no matter what."

"Of course. I told you I couldn't leave if I wanted to. But why.."

He shook his head as we approached the drive. And I knew there was more to this story than I was ready to hear. It was suddenly clear to me that we both were keeping secrets.

The Denali's turned out to be just as beautiful as I imagined. I stood beside Edward as one vampire stepped in front of the others to embrace him. Her strawberry blonde curls cascaded onto her shoulders illuminating her face. _Tanya, I presumed_. Next to her, the other three vampires with golden eyes stared at me with wonder, either because no one was sure how I'd react to this apparent show of affection between the two vampires or because of my appearance. I never considered myself beautiful, but I was much more open to that idea than the one where I was abnormal. One woman had long pale blonde hair, straight as corn silk whom I would come to know as Kate. The other woman and the man beside her were both black-haired, with a hint of an olive tone to their chalky complexions, Carmen and Eleazar I was told.

"Edward, it has been too long."

"I do not believe it has been as long as you seem to think, Tanya."

"Yes, well, if it is all the same to you I'd rather we didn't go quite so many months without seeing each other in the future." Edward chuckled before looping an arm around my back to push me towards her.

"I do not believe you have had the pleasure of meeting our newest family member. This is Bella. Bella Swan" The way he introduced me was curious. He spoke like they should know me, like they did know me even though we'd never met. Kate rushed forward to embrace me.

"Oh, we've heard so much about you, Bella. It's great to finally put a face with the name." I glanced back at Edward wondering exactly what had been said about me. He slinked away from me like a kid caught with his hand in the candy jar. _Maybe this is a good sign._

Once the welcomes were made and I had met my "new" cousins the family began to disburse. Esme and Carlisle took Eleazar and Kate towards the woods for a short hunting trip. As they left, Kate made known her desire to see the grounds. So Alice, Rosalie and the boys led her towards the house. Kate moved to pull Edward with her, as if she couldn't go without him by her side. He tried to protest, but even his siblings insisted he tag along. As he departed, his eyes never left Tanya, whether from a desire to actually _see_ her or simply to monitor what she said, I wasn't sure. Effectively I was left behind the crowd of vampires with Tanya. She linked her arm through mine and I tried to follow my siblings towards the house, but Tanya pulled us in the opposite direction instead. I found myself desiring not to fight her. Instead I let my curiosity get the best of me as she led us away.

"What did Edward ever see in you, my newborn cousin?"

I looked at her startled by her line of questioning. I wasn't sure if she was serious, so I answered the only way I could. I joked.

"I was his own personal brand of heroin."

"Yes, well it's a good thing that's over now," she gawfed. So, maybe she wasn't joking after all. Tanya's whole demeanor had changed now that Edward was gone. She was all too displeased with my presence in the Cullen household and she no longer made effort to hide the fact.

Just as I was contemplating ways to get rid of her she moved to stand directly in my path. "Edward's too much of a gentleman to tell you himself so I'm going to spell this out for you. Edward lied to you when he left you." _Edward told her?_ _Told her what exactly? _I wasn't sure what to do with this knowledge. I was temporarily stunned into silence.

"Yes I know the whole story. And I want you to know the truth. The truth is Edward didn't leave because he didn't love you; he left because he loved me. All that brooding he's been doing is because I sent him away. I needed my space, but I'm here now. He and I…we have some things we need to work through and for that I'm gonna need you to stay away. Of course, I can't kick you out of your own house, but I would hope that you'd give him…give us some space."

I couldn't help myself. I laughed in her face. It wasn't until the anger burned on her face that I controlled my laughter. "Oh you're serious?"

"Of course I'm serious." _Oh. She's serious. But Edward had said he missed me hadn't he? I didn't dream that part up did I? Maybe I should pretend like I don't care…_

"Well, don't you worry your pretty little face. Things are different for Edward and me now. But you can be rest assured that he's still my family and I won't let you or anyone else hurt him. So you run along and say you're sorry. And if you harm him I will rip you into a thousand tiny pieces and watch you burn to a crisp."

I inwardly laughed at my how easy it was to be so condescending towards her. Did I believe a word out of her mouth? No, but I couldn't deny that Edward had embraced her upon her arrival, even if she had made the first move. _Talk about mixed signals._

Deception was getting easier and easier by the moment for me. Tanya had no way of knowing my feelings for Edward hadn't changed. It was him, who had changed which did give some merit to her claims. Even so, I wasn't kidding about hurting him. About that part I was absolutely serious. I wouldn't allow him to be hurt.

I was relieved as Tanya left me alone, to join the rest of the family. I didn't know what they were doing or what they were saying, but at that point I didn't care. I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts in this new world. I did the one thing I had yet to do since my change—I tested my climbing abilities. I found the most perfect old pine tree and climbed to the highest branch that would hide me and I dangled my feet off it. The drop down was at least 70 feet and had I not been so comfortable up there I would have jumped down just to see what it felt like. I imagined it would feel like flying.

I looked out over the California land and took in the sight of its beauty. As I reveled in the marvels before me I noticed as the Cullen's departed out the rear of the house. They settled in the backyard that opened up to small lake. I watched as Jasper and Emmett threw Alice and Kate into the lake.

"Emmett this was PRADA!" Alice bellowed. "Damn visions"

"Oh so you throw my wife in instead yours?" Jasper questioned, even though I suspected he already knew the answer, but wanted a diversion instead.

"Dude, yeah. Have you seen Rose when she's angry? She's vicious. And she withholds things – things I need – things I can't live without. I can't be tortured like that ever again." Jasper snickered and just as Emmett thought he was safe he was pummeled into the lake, as payback for Alice, I assumed. I laughed as Alice swam over to Emmett to taunt him.

"Don't forget what they say about payback, big brother. You better watch your back." They girls stripped their clothes off until they were down to their undergarments – make shift bathing suits. The boys just stared.

"What? You already ruined my clothes and I might as well enjoy the water since I'm already in. I do love a good swim."

I stole a glance away from the lake to where I could just barely make out the silhouettes of Edward and Tanya. They edged the line of the forest, far enough away to where I could see them without the ability to make out their conversation through the outside clamor. I realized I was still adjusting to my amplified hearing and being outdoors increased the number of sounds I had to contend with. I decided to study their movements and interactions instead.

As I observed their behavior I noticed there was an manner of effortlessness to their relationship. The way their hands would graze as if it was the most normal gesture in the world. Or the way his eyes would light up as he spoke to her. They both seemed lost in the conversation they shared. For a moment I longed to be privy to their topic of conversation and then thought better of it. That may have hurt too much. _Were they lost in the conversation or were they really just lost in each other?_

Edward's persona shined through that of Tanya. I would have recognized him from miles away. He had an ease about him, one that didn't showcase the pain and horror he'd lived through. This was the Edward I remembered. This was the Edward I fell in love with. And I was absolutely certain I would do whatever I had to to keep this Edward around.

I was shocked out of my bliss as a voice approached from below.

"I had a feeling you might be up here." _Rosalie_. I had been expecting someone to come searching for me. But Rosalie? Now that I was not expecting.

"No offense, but you're the last person I expected to find me."

"You know as a newborn I loved heights because it made me feel on top of the world, like I was witnessing something no one else was. Now Emmett he was more of a knock 'em down kind of newborn. Drove me insane." The branch slightly shook as Rosalie jumped onto it and situated herself next to me.

"Is it corny to say the view is unbelievable from up here," I questioned.

"Yes. It would be corny, but you wouldn't be you if you didn't say it. And it's not unbelievable if it's part of our world…your world now."

_Is it sad that this comforted me?_ Rosalie admitting I was part of her world was like my final layer of acceptance into the Cullen life. And I was grateful for it. Maybe she wouldn't hate me so much now that I was like her in as much as I could be. Still, her finding me in the tree was curious.

There was a new sense of harmony between Rose and I. And suddenly, neither of us felt the necessity to discuss events of the past. The slate was bare. So when my next words came, they flowed through my lips as slick as butter.

"Look at him. I haven't seen him look that good since, well since before my birthday. Happiness, it suits him." I was rambling. I hadn't actually meant to verbalize any of my thoughts concerning Edward, but it's like the barrier holding them in had become permeable and the only thoughts small enough to slip through the holes were those of Edward. Yet this didn't upset me because somehow not saying would have just felt wrong.

"You're right and after only one conversation with you. I can only imagine what he will be like as you guys spend more time together." _She thinks I am responsible for this change in Edward? Does she not know about Tanya?_

"I don't know about that. Have you considered that maybe I may not be the best thing for him, after all?" Rosalie whipped her head towards me and looked at me as if I'd just slapped her.

"How can you say that? I know I haven't always been your biggest fan, but I can admit when I'm wrong. And I can see what you do to him."

"Rose, look at him. I mean really look at him. The tension in his face is gone and there—his shoulders—look at how visibly relaxed they are. It's like someone has finally lifted the weight of the world off of him. He's not the same Edward from this morning. He's changed. And that's not because of me. It's because of her. Because of Tanya."

Seeing Edward like that settled my mind. I could bring myself to step back and let Tanya have him if it made him happy. Still saying her name felt like a deteriorating stab wound in my heart. And it hurt. This was how I learned that sometimes the "right" thing is also the most agonizing thing to do. Luckily for me, I was getting better at hiding my pain from everyone around me…or at least I hoped I was.

"You can't believe that he loves her! Sure she comes on to him, but he has always turned her down…even before you came along." This I knew to be true. I had heard stories about the illustrious Tanya and the moves she lay on Edward, the moves he skillfully dodged. Still, that said nothing for him now. But the exchanges I was witnessing did.

"What I believe doesn't matter anymore. And to be honest with you, I don't care what has changed him as long as he stays this way. I like him this way. He's happy and I will do whatever I have to to keep it this way!"

"Even if it means sacrificing your own happiness?"

There comes a point in your life when you learn what it truly means to love. This moment comes when you acknowledge that another person's happiness means more than your own. It is this moment that you truly begin to understand that love without pain isn't real, that in the end your own well-being isn't as important as you thought, and that in fact the only thing that matters is for that other person to be happy. And if you understand that maybe you aren't the one to give it to him after all, but that there is someone else who can, you can still find a way to smile, even if it means leaving your heart with another woman.

As I sat in that old tree with Rosalie and watched Edward and Tanya together, my world was slowly changing. I don't know if it's possible for everything to come together and yet, fall apart at the same time, but it was. The truth was opening before my eyes while all my deepest desires were slowly shattering.

"Yes. Even then."

"What I don't get is why you don't hate him for what he's done to you. He deserves it." I wasn't sure if Rosalie was talking to me or herself now, but I found myself answering her anyways.

"Believe me; I've tried, but I just can't. It makes me miserable. And I'm tired of being miserable. What's wrong with at least one of us getting a second chance at happiness," I questioned.

"What's wrong is that is leaves the other one miserable. You don't see what we see when you're with him because if you did you wouldn't be so quick to dismiss yourself. Believe it or not, Bella, you are exactly what he needs."


End file.
